Amber's Writings

Apology from a Phoenix

Note: what follows is a response I wrote to a blog comment a few months ago.  I'm posting it here with the other person's knowledge and permission to tell a story of survival, and to hopefully give others strength and encouragement.:

Thank you for your forgiveness.

Please read this.  I'm not going to sit here and now like nine years later blame it all on my parents.  I know I could've handled things differently, but I didn't know how back then. 

What happened was that my mom decided that it was okay to break into my computer while I was at college the day we met in person and read our e-mail correspondence in its entirety.  When I got home, major physical abuse happened to me and my computer, and I was forbidden to communicate with you again, even to tell you what happened.  Under threat of more physical violence.  My computer was broken, and I can not use a phone totally independently without it being a speakerphone.  They monitored all of my calls, and when someone called on your behalf, they were either told I was not home or I was ordered to say that I did not want to talk to you anymore, and she literally stood there with something sharp and made sure I said what I was supposed to.  I had no choice. 

Like I said, I'm not going to sit here and say that none of it was my fault.  I should have stood up, but I didn't know how.  I was an abused little girl/young woman, and I was a little frightened by the intensity of our feelings, but I did care for you,love you in the way I knew how back then, and I hurt over the loss as well.  Didn't stop eating quite, but I was hurting.  And angry.  What they did was wrong.  Very wrong.  Because they hurt you as well as me.  That is what I still apologize for, and will be begging forgiveness from you for from now on.

But by the time I was first free to reach out and find you again, you were gone from the site I could find you at, with nothing but a picture of a sunset.  When I tried to go back into IRC I was dropped at first because you were a network op, and you wanted to be only surrounded by your friends who could console you because you had been dropped by a heartless bitch for no reason.  Well, I may be a bitch sometimes, but I'm not heartless, and now you know the reason.

And, believe it or not, I miss you.  And I'm offering friendship.  I don't think that I am in place to ever get back to where we were before, just so you know.  I'm open to any journey, but you have to know that it will be different from the beginning.  I'm not that little girl anymore, not by a longshot.

But I still know how to always find the brightest stars, even above very dark clouds.  Thank you for that, always!  :-)

In peace,