Sitting here between the years
touching the hand of a beauty I can't quite reach
Watching like I always do
feeling as usual
So many words and feelings in my heart
afraid to leave my mouth.
Maybe they will feel free to escape my cursor.
I don't know.
Extracting abscessd emotions like teeth:
Love for the forever friend next to me.
Gratitude that she gave me back my poetry,
reasons to write, ways to find rainbows in everything,
freedom to breathe, permission to sing, strength to be quiet,
bingos to shout, and flavors to dream in.
Frustration at the metal around me
getting in people's way
and the broken body that renders it necessary.
Isolation behind my one-way glass
watching and knowing that I don't belong here
even though I'm not a creep.
Loneliness amidst Champagne slurping
as couples kiss their Auld Lang Syne.
Wonder about what my future is, and fear for the immediate one.
Pain because I carry everything in my heart and want to help
but I can't.
Sadness that I can't find the right pieces of my soul puzzle
to add or subtract and make myself right for
the people who are right for me.
Exhaustion from trying to give to everyone I touch.
Annoyance that so few actually notice that I am holding out gifts.
Anger at myself for holding back sometimes
and for not letting go when I should;
for the thorns in my heart I don't pull out
for fear of losing too much blood.
Mostly for thinking about all of this all the time all at once.
Paranoia that I'm being let down gently
before being left behind.
Peace that I chose this path, wherever it leads.
***
I WANT TO BE ME!
My only resolution:
I will be me and find joy in the journey!
I'll stand and sing from anywhere,
below the stage,
from the tallest building,
or in an empty subway.
I'll sing out my energy
always blue
whether anyone hears or not:
I am not a pretty girl.
I have an untouchable face,
and it's not easy to be me.
But, in the end, only kindness matters.
It's my life, I will survive,
a wall can remain standing minus one brick,
I am not an addict,
and I am never broken!
***
I just want to thank you, my beautiful friend,
for reminding me what true friendship is.
For welcoming me into your family
and into your life song.
Amber - January 1, 2005 - an original work with acknowledgments to the obvious karaoke references. To Rachel with love and thanks.