Last evening after my sister and I got back from the mall, and I went to go to drop off something off over at Chan's, I told him that there was something I wanted to talk to him about after my sister went home for the evening. Then, after glancing at the time and realizing that I still had well over an hour before she was going to be heading out, I decided I would start the conversation before I ever left, and we would continue it later when he came to see me. At least this way the groundwork would be laid, so that I didn't have to do a bunch of back story work, and in the worst-case scenario, we could just dive right into his opinion when I saw him later.
My question to him was: do you think it's too early for me to think about getting another dog? Keep in mind that for the purposes of this entry, I'm going to shorten up at least this paragraph because otherwise it could get very lengthy and somewhat boring to read. In asking him this question, I also told him that maybe I wasn't looking to fill the emptiness that I'm feeling with a dog, but rather maybe a committed relationship. When I was done telling him all this, I told him that I didn't care what he had to say, how diplomatic or politically correct it was, I just wanted to get his thoughts on what I had just said.
He wasted no time in jumping right in and said, "OK, here it is, I'm going to lay it all on the line. I think you're looking for something, and you're not quite sure what that something is right now. You need to do some serious soul-searching, figure out what it is you really need, and how you're going to get it. If you make a mistake with a guy, you can always dump him just like many guys have been known to dump women. If you get another dog, and figure out that it isn't really filling the void that you wanted filled, it's going to have a much bigger impact on you and the dog."
Wow, what exactly could I, or should I say to that? I said the only thing that I could think of, and the only thing that made even half sense, "good point!"
He, being the smart ass that he can be, and that I love so much gave me a smug smile and said, "you're welcome!"
By this point it was approaching a point where my butt was going to start screaming at me if I didn't get off of it in short order, so I told him I needed to go. As I was making my way out the door, I said, "thank you, you've given me what I needed to hear!" I also told him that I would call him later.
After I was all settled into bed and my sister had left, I started my nightly ritual which consists of listening to the current book that I happen to be reading on CD until the CD finishes, and then turning on the radio by way of even further winding down. Normally when I listen to my book, I listen very intently, hanging on every word of the narrator. Last night was very different though. Mostly I just ended up using the book for background noise. I was far too lost in our earlier conversation to really even care what was going on in the book. By the time I reached the radio part of my winding down ritual, which was about three hours after I had laid down, some things started becoming very clear.
As I began to reflect deeper, some recent thoughts that I'd been having, but had pushed aside for one reason or another, started coming to the surface and they were louder than they had ever been before. First was the fact that even before Fergie's death, every time I would go past a jewelry store I would have the thought, even if it was fleeting, that I wished I had someone special that I could buy jewelry for and more importantly in those fleeting moments, someone that was ready to use the little tokens of affection to show me how much they loved me. Second was the fact that lately when I see anything that has to do with "the couple", whether it be a picture frame, a photo album, or just a corny saying, I long to have someone special to share those things with. I look at sister and brother-in-law, see how happy they are, how many candid and spontaneous moments they have together, and that is exactly what I'm longing for! I long for the day that I will be able to have as many pictures, with a corresponding nuber of frames, and photo albums as they do. I long to grow as old with someone as the two of them will together.
So, Chan Man, what is it that I'm looking for to fill that void? As you probably figured out by now if you've read this far, it's not a dog, although that would be a nice added bonus! I'm confident that what's going to fill that void is finding a human partner that I can create and share memories with, grow to love and understand like no one else can, be compassionate toward when the situation calls for it, and administer tough love if and when need be! I know that there's a good chance that that partner may not be found in you in exactly the way I need a partner at this point, but please, please, please, please, please believe me when I tell you from the bottom of my heart: I know that a lot of the reason that we can't be partners in exactly that way is the result of things that are beyond our control, and may always be! I don't, I never have, and I can confidently say that I never will resent you for not being able to get me everything I need and want in a partner. Truthfully, you're the only one that feels like you can't give me everything that I need and want in a partner! In my head, and in my heart of hearts, you almost always have, (note that I say almost because there was a while and the beginning of our friendship where I wasn't willing to allow you to give me everything you were capable of giving) and I have no doubt that you will continue to fulfill my every need to the best of your ability as long as I allow you to do so! 
With all of that being said, I'm going to wrap this up by addressing the rest of my readers like this: it is an everlasting, memory making, heartwarming, and fulfilling on every level type of relationship that I'm looking for at this point. I can't tell you whether or not I believe in fairy tales because at this point if one does exist for me, it hasn't been made into a book. When and if it happens though, all of you will be the first to know! 