Well I'm trying this again, because I took copies of my photography and a lot of things I've written over the years to my Psychiatrist so she could get to know me better, how I see,feel, and interpret things. She felt moved by some of the things I had writen on my Writings Page here on Said Simple you can check them out. She wanted to know if I journaled or blogged often I said I hadn't for a few years that I just got out of the habit.
She said she wanted me to try to take it up and blog 3 or more times a week at least. And just talk about whatever I want and not worry about what ppl reading it will think. so I can get out the stuff I want to talk about but not sure who to talk to about it or how to bring it up without it being like a pity party or hogging the conversation which is how I feel when I try to open up to ppl since I don't do it often. So I'll give it a try since she thinks it would help me get more use to opening up and letting people get to know the "real me" behind the somtimes fake smiles and attitudes.
I joined the Drama Team at church as a way to get out of my comfort zone and try to be around people my own age...draw back I'm 10 years older then the other Team Members so that makes it hard to feel like I fit in. But I didn't quit because I liked what we were doing and learning. We do skits and sign language to music and perform it in front of the church. The others appear to be accepting me and talk to me and stuff .........some of the girls do anyway.
When I came in one night with my hair lighter then it use to be a girl that had been gone on a mission trip for a week said it looked amazing and wanted to know if she could touch it....not sure why she wanted to, But I let her..........it was so wonderful...just to be touched like I was normal and not some fat, sick freak. To have someone want to touch my hair......that were not my family or a friend I was already close to was so new to me. I liked it, my eyes almost teared up it felt like I was accepted and wanted around.
I don't go out much because I get bored hanging out by myself.I get depressed if I go shopping by myself or go somewhere by myself. And when I do get invited this this last week at church someone said that some of the young ppl were going to meet for lunch and asked if I wanted to come. I wanted to but I was very nervous that I'd do or say something that would make them think I was a freak. I was glad I already had plans to go to my Granpa's house and get some Kale from his Garden with my mom. But I kept thinking how am I going to make new friends or even meet a nice guy if I'm to scared to join a group of ppl for a casual lunch?
Lately though my friend Jennifer, I've known her since like 2nd grade, and I have been hanging out playing together on my Wii or going to see a movie every now and then. We're going to see Water for Elephants next week if our job schedules work out. She's invited me to go to Lake Winnie with her Family at some point this summer I haven't been there since I was like 13 so that will be fun. And if we go to Dolly Wood this year I'm going to invite her to go with me. I don't like riding rides alone or going to the movies alone its to depressing. So I like having someone with me. I guess it is because I spend sooo much time home alone that I don't want to be alone when I go other places specialy somewhere to have fun.
I'm so use to being alone I get nervous when I'm around other people I don't know how to act or how not to act around people and so that makes me afraide and then I end up making a big fool of myself. When I get nervous I tend to babble a lot and it makes me seem like a child to people my own age and so they don't want to be around me. I sometimes wonder if I have multiple personalities because with some ppl I act one way and with others I act a different way and I can't seem to be able to merge them into one person. I think that is why I have so much trouble trying to figure out who I am and why others don't know me well either. I'm trying to change that because I want to have freinds... I want to fit and and feel as though I belong. I want to meet a nice guy and be able to date.
I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I mean what will happen to me when my parents are gone? I'm so scared I'll be alone and that I won't know how to do anything and I won't have anyone I can call for help because they will be gone. So I'm trying to make some strong relationships with people now while I still have the chance. I'm tired of being a hermit that sits in her room, but I'm also scared to leave it because all I remember from school was rejection because I am the way I am. Those kind of feelings are ard to forget and to get rid off... I don't want to feel them again and so I shy away from people thinking if I don't go out I won't have to deal with it... but I'm so tired of being lonely and forgotten. Pretty much alll the people I knew in school except for Jennifer either are married and have kids or have been married and got divorced. Or are in a serious relationship heading down that road.
Well if I don't stop now I'll be writing all night about the same things, so I'd better stop or this blog entry now or it will never end. thanks for "listening" to anyone who reads this. Feel free to comment but please leave your name and e mail address so I know who is talking to me.
Starino