Amber's Abode

Power loss in varied forms

Well, my computer is now working again after a 2 1/2 week or so strike because of a bad power supply.  But it took forever to get someone over here to try and fix it, and then they tried everything else first.  But I am back among the land of the electronically connected and able to communicate and write.  Blessed be.

I would like to say that the short forced vacation was a good thing all around, because of the cut umbilical cord so to speak.  But it really was a hard time, and not always because of the lack of a computer.  I kept thinking how weird it was not to be able to call a former friend and let them know my plight and have an actual educated in computer repair person show up the next day.  I kept thinking how hurtful it is not to be able to call another former friend and say I'm bored to tears, so let's do something.  I miss both of these people very painfully.  But I do not want to hear from them either, especially the first one, if all I'm going to hear is I'm really sorry but I cannot change this situation.  It hurts too much. 

And in the case of the second friend, maybe I did misunderstand some of what they were actually trying to say, but how I read it really really really hurt and I don't think we are going to get to a place where we can just be acquaintances without having to worry about what it is that caused this breakup like situation.  At least at this point, any time I read anything approaching the matter, I get hurt.  It's not that I don't understand.  I do, and I'm glad they stood up for what they feel is right.  I will always care for and be proud of them.  Which is why I cry every time I attempt to read a particular e-mail or the more recent one.  But I can't respond directly.  It would open up a dialogue that just hurts beyond anything, and I just don't have the energy for that right now.  Maybe further beyond it, it won't hurt so much and then we can try again.  I hope so.

Then there was the battery going dead when I was supposed to go to my volunteer job fiasco, as well as the doctors never listen to me OB/GYN version debacle.

And my dad, after being talked to by my sister and brother-in-law, says he will "try" to keep on sending me his promised support monthly.  But they did not hold out their hand at the end of the discussion, and so came back with no money for me.  And brother-in-law says not to count on it anymore.  This makes me angry, but there is nothing I can really do about it.  Which is pretty much the situation for everything that is happening to me lately.  I hate feeling this powerless.

I'm trying to actively work on moving to a better place, but it feels like in terms of different parts of the journey, I keep running into brick walls.  Powerlessness again.

For a little bit of good news, I got to go to my first real house party, which was fun.  There, I also played my first cash game of poker, because the group chipped in for my buy-in.  And I did well.  Even after paying people back, I was ahead $15 that I could keep.  I have also been able to go on a couple of really beautiful walks in the nicer weather.  And they've finally got a ramp into the karaoke room at my favorite place to hang out.  That means I can finally get everywhere in that building without having to go through the kitchen.  And I can sing on stage like everyone else.

That's all the news that's fit to blog right now.  I hope you are all well.

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