The Blog of Daniel

Just my place to write without any delusions of self-importance.

Envy, Jealousy, Bitterness and Ugly and/or Crippled People

Today I got an email from someone asking about disabled dating.  The guy was lonely and looking for someone to share his time with.  For privacy sake I will call him Bob.

Having run Disabilities-R-Us for more than a decade, I'm well aware of the disabilities and dating scene and how it works.  Normally I try the "there is someone out there for everyone" and "you have to keep trying" bullshit with people, but fuck that, I'm done with lying to people to make them feel better when in the end it probably won't do them any good anyway.

My reply to Bob comes from talking to several people over the last few days:

Dear Bob,

Unfortunately, the reality of being disabled and wanting to date is nearly identical to the reality of being unattractive and wanting to date.  The reasons are multiple.

Non-disabled people typically do not want to date disabled people for the same reason that attractive people do not want to date unattractive people.  First, disabled and/or unattractive are considered to be asexual.  If you're disabled and talk about sex, people will smile and giggle but they will still ignore your needs.  If you're unattractive and discuss sex, you're just a fucking pervert and subject to being fired or arrested.  There is also the stigma that when someone marries or even dates a disabled or unattractive person, they were just settling because they couldn't do any better.

What is really fucked up is that these rules apply even when both people are disabled.  I've talked to many disabled people and have founds that most refuse to date other disabled people because they too feel they would be settling.  When you really get them to give details, they're not really looking for a mate, they're looking for good looking aide that fucks.

I'm sorry to say, Bob, but the reality of life is that the odds are against you.  You might be able to do it, but it will be a long hard road.

It's important that you know in advance all of the excuses you will hear in your lifetime.  From talking with other disabled people, these are some of the excuses they have gotten and I have heard many of them myself.  Prepare yourself.

Lame Excuse #1: You're too needy.

Everyone is needy.  There isn't one single person who has ever lived who was not needy.  When peoples needs are met, they're content.  When peoples needs are not met, they're discontent (aka desperate).  It's that fucking simple.  The only reason some people are not needy is because their needs are actually being met.

You're too needy means this: You're disabled and/or unattractive.  Outside of that, it's a bullshit excuse.

Lame Excuse #2: You cry, you're depressed, etc et al ad fucking infititum.

If you're disabled and/or unattractive and you cry, you're considered a drag.  You will be told countless times "If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?"  "All my friends and family think youre a loser."  Bull-fucking-hairy-assed shit.  When attractive people do this, they're considered "sensitive" and a role model for other superficial spineless metro-sexuals.

Again, when you hear this, Bob, it is almost always because you're disabled and/or unattractive.  You're not weak, you're human.

Lame Excuse #3: We have nothing in common.

More bullshit.  Opposites attract.  Opposites don't last, but they sure do attract.  People are willing to go from one bad relationship to another as long as the jerk is good looking.

Yet again, when you hear this, it is almost always because you're disabled and/or unattractive.

Lame Excuse #4: But me and <insert jerks's name here> have so much in common.

This is only true when you get much older.  When you're young, it means that the other person will force themselves to like anything you like and will want everything you want in order to get you.  What?  You like gophers?  OMG, I love gophers!  They mimic the woman's every desire.  If you're disabled and/or unattractive, this is called creepy, disturbing or a bald fucking lie.  But, for attractive people, this causes moistness.  They will forgive every lie told.  Yes, people will settle for bullshit if the other person is pretty.  Billions of marketing dollars prove it year after year.

People will always have an excuse to turn you down.  It has nothing to do with your heart, it just that you're not good looking.

Lame Excuse #5: I like you as a friend -aka- I don't want to ruin our friendship.

No, 99% of the time it just because you're just disabled and/or unattractive.  If you weren't, you would be probably getting your brains fucked out this very moment.  Instead, the attractive person is.  That's how the human brain is wired.

Lame Excuse #6: "Why cant i find anyone just like you?"

This is what disabled and/or unattractive people hear at least once in their life.  It's usually right after the other person has a bad date, nasty fight, or breakup with an attractive non-disabled fuckhead.  I myself have heard this many times in my life.

When you hear this, hang up the phone or walk way.  What they really mean is "why can I find someone as kind and respectful as you, but good looking too?".  Again, hang up the phone or walk away.  Don't look back.  Yes, you will be lonely for a long time but that just how it is.  You may be tempted to say "I'm right here!" but don't waste your breath.  You will either get a laugh or even worse, a "you know what I mean!"  One last time, hang up the phone or walk away because anyone capable of saying such a thing will never ever love you that way.  A relationship with this person is never going to happen because no matter how wonderul a person you are on the inside, no matter how much you would grow with a little love, the fact is still that you're still disabled and/or unattractive.

Also, 9 times out of 10, the person will go straight back to that other person because of nothing more than the person is pretty and makes them wet.

Anyway Bob, I read this on a website a long time ago and I found it amusing back them.  Sometimes I would repeat it as just a joke to stir up a conversation.  Now that I know it is for the most part true, it's downright sad:

When a young woman says "I want a sweet, sensitive guy with a good sense of humor, who knows how to treat me right," she's lying whether she knows it or not.

What she really means is, "I want a really good-looking guy with a drug problem and a history of violence who will insult me in front of my friends, treat me like shit, physically abuse me, fuck me, and then lie by saying he loves me.  And I'll keep coming back for more."

I have seen this more times than I can count.  It's sad, it's cynical, it's sarcastic, and it's also mostly true.

Bob, my advice to you is this: If you are in this situation and are willing to settle just for friendship, then my suggestion to you now is to either lie or just shut the fuck up.  Seriously.  If you have known the person more than a year but nothing has happened then don't bother telling that person you're in love with them.  Also, on those days that you're feeling sad, keep it to yourself.  Nobody likes sad disabled and/or unattractive people.  Pretend to be happy.  Lie.  The moment you do say what your heart is telling you to say, the friendship is probably over.

Stay off of the non-disabled dating sites because most there will dump you the moment they find out you have a problem.  Stay off the disabled dating sites too because none of them really take into consideration where either of you live and have no problem matching women from Iowa with Somali war lords.  Finding love in a chatroom is just as bad for the same reason.

Start finding new friends.  Find as many as you can.  There is still that 1% chance you might find someone smart enough to accept you as you are.

If by some miracle you do find that special person, don't fuck it up because it could be your one and only chance.  I had two chances.  On the first one, she fucked up and on the second one I guess at this hour I have to say that I probably fucked up.  Don't fuck up, Bob.


Do I sound angry, bitter, or jealous?

Many disabled and/or unattractive people become angry or bitter.  Bitterness comes from a lifetime of people not doing for us what we do for them every fucking day.  We listen to their hopes, dreams and fears and give a warm shoulder when their days go bad.  Sometimes we even take them to have their cars repaired and wait around to drive them back.  We're always there for people.  Everyone else's needs get met and we can just go to hell.  When it's our turn, when we need it the most, more often than not it's met with silence and broken promises or with stories about how much fun they're having with someone else  We're all fucking tired of having to smile all of the time so others can feel good about themselves while ignoring us.

I can hear it now too.  "With an attitude like that it's no wonder you will never have someone!"  Perhaps, but whether we are happy or sad, we get the exact same results because no matter what anyone says, unless they actually show it, they don't mean it.  Words are cheap.  Actions are proof.  We all grow up with the same dreams of happiness, but when you get kicked in the face enough by people, the smile fades.

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