When someone witnesses the death of a friend, family member or anyone for that matter, they no doubt replay the last few days of that person's life in their mind, over and over, trying to find something they could have done differently that might have changed the outcome.
I've been doing that for almost a week now. I lost a friend this week. Someone I had really come to love as a friend. The loss is so strong that it is almost as if she died. The week before, the shoe was on the other foot. Due to a what was a combination of someone's miscommunication and a sick joke, she was told I had committed suicide. As I am doing now, she too spent her time dwelling on what could have been done differently.
The sad this is that she knows what could have been done differently. We both know. It was fear rather than trust and pride rather than humility that did us in.
The event that lead to the death of our friendship was nothing compared to the energy expended in hiding and denying it. It was so stupid. It happened out of weakness, not out of malice. There was no fault in it. It was the biggest non-event ever, but fear and pride turned it into a great big monster that never should have seen the light of day.
We were so much alike. I saw in her what people saw in me. I still do. My heart was happy because I finally had a friend who was an equal and there was no need to compete. That is something we both needed. I would have gone to the ends of the Earth to help her. Why do I feel like the guilty one? Why do I feel like I am the one who failed her? Does the fact she couldn't tell the simple inconsequential truth say more about her, or me? Was I just not worth the trouble? Does any of this even matter to her? Does this go away?
A big ugly monster called fear and pride ate my friend. The sense of loss is overwhelming and I expect to be in mourning for some time.