My counselor is requesting/suggesting that I blog more again, so here I am, after a long time. I'm sorry if you were on pins and needles waiting for an update, but there didn't seem to be much to report other than the usual hospital stays, this time three of them in the last three months. And the fact that I am technically single now, although Daniel is still very much around and always there when I need him. The backing up was mostly a mutual idea, to figure out who we are when we are not in emergency mode, which is a good thing on the surface.
However, though it was mutual, it was rather abrupt. Meaning that the conversation did not go at all the way that I had planned and hoped that it would. Then again, those sorts of conversations never do. Turns out that I was feeling a little distant because I was trying to figure out the whole new apartment/new life thing/and he seemed to be distant on his part because he just wanted time to himself, and also because of little things taken out of context that were seen and/or heard. When you hear that someone said something that seems negative regarding you, always ask the other person themselves, rather than believing the gossip. Things work out much better that way.
Anyway, I don't want to talk much more about that in particular, but I will say that although I am not perfect, I have now, and have never had, any real intention of leaving Daniel and/or Arizona at all. He is the first person that ever showed me real unconditional love in my life, in that way, I love him, and we have too much history just to throw it all away.
I went through a small period of time where I was making contingency plans, just in case leaving was what he wanted me to do, which is the only way I would ever consider it. Always be careful when making backup plans for anything important like that, because that was a large part of what got misconstrued. I don't blame him for being confused about it at all, and he deserves a medal for staying by my side and being my friend anyway, and always being there when it's really important. Since I know you'll read this, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I will always love you. (And yes, I know as soon as you read that, you will be singing the song in your head. LOL.)
I do have unique challenges around this, because I am a very touchy-feely person, and I miss the physical closeness, so sometimes I feel a little lopsided, even though he is always there. I also don't know for sure whether I am supposed to stay still, so to speak, and wait for him to think about some things and reconnect with me as a girlfriend, or whether we will be best friends forever, and therefore I should look for another person to be a possible boyfriend. This is the most confusing part for me right now.
I am trying to take advantage of the cooler weather and get out and enjoy life a little more. Notice that I did say trying. I have developed a severe pain condition known as sciatica, which is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I have never cried in pain before, but I do sometimes now. I was given stronger pain medicine to help against this, and it mostly works, but it makes me feel a little out of it and tired, so that it's hard to enjoy the day. You know how they say "do not operate heavy machinery?" Well, a wheelchair is pretty heavy machinery. LOL. I also have started a series of steroid pain shots in my back again, and they help, but it doesn't seem to work for very long.
One of the reasons for this is that I have a new caregiver who is really sweet. She is really good at cleaning the house and that sort of thing, but not so good at lifting, even using the lift that I have. She doesn't seem to be very good at receiving or absorbing instructions, either. This is what I think introduced the sciatica, and I know for a fact that it is what is exacerbating the condition. But between the last paragraph in this one, her boss called me to check in, and I had a long chat with her, so I don't believe I will have to worry about this much longer. I am glad about that, because I want my life back.
A good thing has happened to me through my trying to learn how to use the Jamboxx, which is a sip and puff controller for the computer, which can also be used like a musical instrument or a drawing tool. Even though thus far I have been failing miserably on any artistic endeavor with it because I am not used to the sip and puff system, I have made some really good friends. They are Tobi and his wife Stephanie. They live in Düsseldorf Germany. Tobi engineered the software which allows the Jamboxx to be used as a musical instrument. That's how I was introduced to him. He is also disabled; with some kind of muscular dystrophy. His wife is able-bodied and very crafty herself, making handmade glass beads that are beautiful. Since I know a little German, this is a good way for both of us to practice our second languages.
Tobi and I became instant friends. It was kind of weird and cool. You know that feeling where you feel comfortable instantly with someone, almost like you already know them, or have known them somewhere before? Yeah, like that. And so we Skype and work on music or talk about their pet rats, or do nothing in particular almost every day. The time difference is difficult, because he is nine hours ahead of me. So, when we talk, it's evening for him, whereas most of the time, I have just gotten up for the morning. But it makes the afternoons less lonely when I have nothing to do during the day.
Today however, he is not around, due to the fact that he is experiencing a concert by Noel Gallagher, (Noah?); Formally of Oasis fame. I am so jealous. Plus, in Germany, if you are in a wheelchair, you, do not have to pay for a concert ticket, ever. How cool is that? They also allow you to get legally married without cutting your disability benefits. I have always daydreamed about going to Germany, but now that I know people there, it's a definite goal. He owes me a hug, and his wife owes me a lot of hot chocolate. :-)
I have also tried to start a small business. So if you are reading this, live in Arizona, and are experiencing financial difficulties, contact me and I can help you out, which will help me out at the same time. A couple of neighbors are with me on this venture, and are doing better than me at talking to people. They are trying to use reverse psychology to motivate me, by reminding me that I am usually good at talking to people, but not when I am trying to sell them something, per se, although I'm really not trying to sell anything, just give out information so people have choices. The other people, my neighbors, seem to have no problem with going to a mall and accosting strangers, and while this apparently works for them, I'm not wired like that. But, I have lost nothing, so I don't feel too bad. I didn't really get into it to make more money anyway, mostly just to meet new people. But these people are turning out to be the not exactly my type or comfort zone, so we will see how it goes. I'm not giving up at all, but I have to put my own health first.
I'm starting to feel pretty foggy again, because of the medicine, so that's all for now, but I will try to update more often.