Diane's Writings

There's a Hole in the Wall

There's a hole in the wall where the doorknob slammed when you punched the door.  I can see the white plaster peeking through the colored paint.  We put it there; me in my ignorance and you in your anger and frustration.

I don't know yet exactly how I feel about that hole in the wall.

Everything seems so effortless to me.  I love you and whatever there is about you because of your paralysis that isn't what a "normal" man would deal with (or the woman who's with him) doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me.  I had no idea it would be such a big deal to you.  I didn't mean to be insensitive or ignorant towards your needs.

Yes, I know all about privacy and the need for it.  And discretion.  I just didn't realize this was one of those moments.

There's a hole in the wall.  I keep sitting here looking at it and trying to figure out what it means.  I felt terrible I made you feel the need to put it there.  I would never knowingly do something to make you feel ashamed or embarrassed.  I tried to explain that I meant no harm, that my actions were driven by a need to be physically close to you and that I didn't know you would feel the way you did.  It only made you more angry and frustrated with me.

I once believed that everything I needed to know about how to deal with paralysis, I could learn from you.  I don't think so anymore.  There never really was anything to learn.  Just by thinking I had something to learn, I unwittingly placed you in a different category than other men, as if the paralysis made you different or separate from them somehow.  You're no different than any other man.  And there's a hole in the wall to prove it.

I'm the one who is different and separate.  Tell me something, Jack, when's the last time you met an AB woman who isn't bothered by the things you deal with on a daily basis?  I've never dated a dis guy before, but it wasn't by design.  When all the variables of what makes one person attracted to another are added up, it's no wonder.  It's hard to meet anyone, dis or not, that one is compatible with.  You had everything I was looking for AND you happened to be in a wc.

You've told me what you once wanted your life to be before the accident, and you've told me how you think women see you as asexual, and you've told me how she left you.  You shouted at me after you punched the door that you're a full-grown man.

There's a hole in the wall, but I didn't put it there.  Trust me on that one.  And then trust me.