Tonight I'm really confused and hurting.
A month ago I was telling Amber not to worry because the surgery would go fine. It would be the simplest surgery she ever had. Nothing could go wrong! With her arm in a splint for a while we would be spending a lot more time together. We were going to see some movies and we were going stay home to watch a few that she had missed from a previous generation. We had a list. I wanted to do some cooking. Just the two of us eating alone was always nice.
Then a week later I'm cleaning out her belongings, closing out all her accounts and services, calling her friends and doctors to let them know she's gone.
Now I'm cleaning through the things in my own apartment, tossing out so much because they were parts of things I was working on for her because it would make her happy. Electronics parts everywhere. Soldering irons, multimeters, logic probes and digital oscilloscopes. I bought a sewing machine just so we could go together and pick out new dresses and I could do the sewing fix on them like Athena always did. It always made me happy to make her happy. So many memories of things past and I was so looking forward to the things to come because she would have her health back and a working arm to drive with. She could again go places alone and come back and tell me all of the stories. We had a whole fun project planned around her mini-adventures.
Now she's gone and nothing makes any sense to me.