When I was a little boy I had an imaginary friend named Bill. As imaginary friends go, he was a pretty cool guy. He drove a tractor on farm land on Manitoulin Island in eastern Canada. People would sometimes ask me how Bill was doing and I would be able to tell them some pretty entertaining boyish stories about him.
Now I have a new friend, not an imaginary one though. This one is invisible. He's real but nobody else can see him because, well, he is my new internet stalker. His name is Billy and he is an unemployed bi-polar drug addict in Kingman, Arizona. Billy writes me every couple of days to say he is going to kill me and/or unleash his unholy armada of spam bots and viruses unto me. Just today he said he was going to tell my employer all about me and my life would be over. Billy? They already know. Yes, I am a nudist… No, I did not return that library book... and *gasp* I first masturbated at around age 12. Sorry, Billy.
Billy has been spending a lot of time thinking about me but I only think about him when I get emails. I have bigger worries than Billy. Being that he is unemployed and on drugs, Billy has lots of free time.
Billy, if your elite hacking skills ever lead you to this site, I simply want to say to you that I am heterosexual. It will never work. Move on. You will find love some day, but not from me. Find someone who loves you for the unemployed bi-polar drug addict that you are. That person, the one, is out there, I promise. Look at Paris. Look at Britney. They found love! So can you! It's Kingman, Arizona so they must have trailer parks there. Run, run like the wind and find your trailer park lover.
Until then, Billy, please listen to this...