The Blog of Daniel

Just my place to write without any delusions of self-importance.

The Life of a Prisoner

Wow, 3 posts in one day.

Last night I had a very weird anxiety attack.

You know how some kids have nightmares about being naked at school?  Who knows, maybe you've had them too.  Well, I have honestly had nightmares in the last few years about being back in school and having clothes on.  I'm not kidding.

PrisonerLast night as I laid in bed half asleep "daydreaming" about being back at the resort.  It was freedom there.  I could sit around and talk about life and whatever with Cathy, politics or hobbies with Jim and computers with Chuck whenever he was there.  No matter what I was doing, I wasn't self-conscious or fidgety.  The only thing that touched me there was either the hug of a friend or whatever I was sitting on.  Being naked is so liberating.

I can liken this to something I talked about with my optometrist last month.  Since moving to Arizona, I have had problems with my right eye.  I have severe dry-eye.  Even though it doesn't hurt, I am always aware of it.  All day long, I am always aware of some sensation in my eye.  It doesn't stop me, it's just that constant nagging sensation.  The only time it goes away is when I go home to Willits.  It's humid there and my dry-eye goes away and the sensations are gone.

Clothes are the exact same way.  All day long I am acutely aware they are there.  There isn't a second that goes by that I am not feeling them touch some part of me.  It bothers me.  Damn, this almost sounds neurotic.  At the resort, the sensations were gone.  Everything I did there I could do without distraction.  I read so many books while I was there.  I could lay, sit, walk, swim, soak, talk, read, eat and everything else without have to to do anything else in advance.

What startled me out of my rest was the sudden realization that it's all gone.  Yes, I can still be naked at home, but I'm a prisoner now.  Because most of the world's fucked up notion that being nude is about sex, I'm now a prisoner.  If I want to go grab a soda or just walk 20 feet out my front door to take out the trash or fill up my water jug, I have to stop what I'm doing, find clothes, put them on, do whatever and then come back and undo it all.  10 minutes of my time wasted because someone else's parents raised them wrong and taught them nudity was shameful.  I have to spend my life being annoyed and inconvenienced because other people are stupid.  I know that's how life is but it is just plain wrong.

I thought writing all this out would make me feel better but it didn't.  It's not easy to resign myself to the fact that I will be a prisoner for the rest of my life and that others find amusement in my desire to not be uncomfortable.  This is really truly bothering me and I'm starting to feel like a caged animal being tortured.

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