Today I did a what some would call a very mean thing. For the first time in half my life someone hurt me bad enough that I struck back hoping to make them hurt as bad as I do. I was not dishonest in anything I said, but some things should never be said no matter how true they are. I violated my own principals and now I'm the one in tears and the other person is probably sound asleep at home completely comfortable with the terrible things she did. Rabid animals never weep over the harm they cause.
I am not accustomed to dwelling on things, this included, but every time I move past it and go more than a week without so much as a single thought about the person, she suddenly re-appears and gets a few digs in and it re-opens the almost healed wounds.
Perhaps what makes it hurt so much is that just a few short months ago I was having so much fun. I felt love, friendship and acceptance. Today it's gone, completely. I'm back to my humdrum existence of television and Internet.
I've have some friends, but lately all of them have expressed that they feel very bad because I offer to pay when I invite them somewhere. One said she used to think I was doing it to show off. She may still think that, but she's wrong. When I invite someone to do something, I pay. That's just the way things are. I'm not keeping score. I had a friend long ago that did the same for me. I'm not rich, I'm not an elitist, I just have a good job and not a lot of living expenses. It hurts like hell that it works against me. I would be just as happy if someone inviting me over to sit and talk and snack on cheese and crackers.
I'm totally at a loss where to turn. Or should I even bother trying?