You know, it seems as though either my emotions have the worst timing when it comes to letting go, or if I know I have somebody to turn to, and be vulnerable with, that person, or those people, aren't available at that exact moment. It's about 10:30 my time, and about a half hour ago, something happened (which I don't want to get into now, because I'll start crying again, and because I'm dictating this entry, crying would not be conducive to me finishing it) which made me have the biggest break down I've had in a very long time. For the past couple weeks I've had to remain strong for the people around me, because like I was telling someone last night, me breaking down would only make things 100% worse!
Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I finally couldn't hold back my emotions early this morning. With me, once the floodgates to my emotions are open, there's no stopping them until I've gotten every last bit of them out of my system. As I said at the top of this, somehow my emotional releases always have horrible timing. All I wanted at that exact moment was for somebody to hug me, hold me, and tell me everything was going to be okay, even if in reality they didn't really know that. Was there anyone around to do that? Absolutely not! Was there anyone around to even say "I know you're upset, but we'll get through it together."? Absolutely not!
So, once again, it was just me and my ocean of emotions. I was, at one point, all alone and ready to cry. The difference between this time and the last time is the fact that this time I wasn't just ready to cry, I ended up crying all alone, and I can tell you that that's an even worse feeling than being all alone and ready to cry. At least if I'm all alone and ready to cry, but never actually do, the emotion(s) can and will be overcome, and I can move on with the rest of my day. However, if I actually start crying, and am still all alone, there's a good chance that I'll continue crying throughout the day, even if it is spontaneously.
Since I'm not crying at this exact moment, all I can say is I hope that this dreadful repeating pattern will end sooner rather than later, and I'll have someone in my life that I can be weak and vulnerable to without having to worry about whether they're going to be able to handle my ocean of emotions! I'll keep all of you posted about the journey to finding that very special someone! 