Where am I, and how did I get here?

   By the time some of my regular readers are finished reading this, some of you will probably feel just as I do.  What I mean by that is you're probably going to feel like this subject is never ending.  At this point, I'm going to tell you that you're right, it is never ending, but I'm cautiously optimistic that things are going to change for the better very soon.

   Two nights ago, Chandler and I started talking about an episode of nanny 911 that he had recently watched.  He was telling me about how the father of these six kids who ranged in age from 2-13 would cuddle them until they fell asleep each night, and if none of them did spent the whole night catering to their every need.  Of course, Chandler being the type of person that he is, and having the thought process that he does, he was completely against it from the start, and had a whole lot to say about it.  The problem was, so did I!

   Before I go into my very opinionated and heart-wrenching (in retrospect) side of things, I'm going to give credit where credit is due.  He made some very good points.  First of all, as much as I would like to think it could, night time cuddling with your kids can't really realistically last forever.  Now I'm sure that there are some people out there who have made it happen, and it worked well for them.  If any of you are any of those people who have made it work, I'm definitely not here to put you down, or split hairs.  The way I see it after he pointed it out is that realistically it just isn't going to happen forever.  Secondly, he made the point that he felt like it didn't have to happen every night.  Here again, instinctively I disagreed with him, but the more I thought about it, he's right.  If it happens every night, there's probably going to come a point where it's going to lose its effect, and that father's kids are going to fall asleep less and less using that method.  Thirdly, and what I think is the most important point he made in this case is the fact that those kids know no other way to fall asleep aside from daddy cuddling each of them to sleep.  I don't know about you, but I think it's going to be pretty difficult for them to be able to function as adults in society if they aren't able to go to bed, and get themselves to sleep without being cuddled.  I don't think they're gonna be able to survive very easily, do you?

   He then tells me it's eventually uncovered that the reason the father acts the way he does is because his parents were never there in that way, and he didn't ever want his kids to endure the emotional pain that he did of his needs going unnoticed.  When he made this statement, I wanted to cry!  After that initial wave passed, thoughts started flooding my brain, and before I could stop them, spilling out of my mouth!  Keep in mind that this is a very condensed version of what was said.

   As I explained to him, when a request for a hug or to be held goes unanswered long enough, you just learn to stop asking.  Throughout my childhood and adolesence, I was there.  Hell, at 24, I still am!  So much time is put into my physical care, that getting a hug or a snuggle just because just doesn't usually happen!  If it does, it's only because I've BEGGED for it! 

   When I was done explaining to him how hard I had to work for it back in the day, he said something I thought I'd never hear him say!  "That's why you like it so much when I hold you...because you like to be touched."

  Woohoo!  At that moment, I knew he understood!  My belief that he understood was only cemented by the fact that night before last he followed up our conversation with lots of cuddles, and you know what the best part was?  I didn't even to have to ask, let alone beg!  It was an amazing feeling to know, and finally understand that what I wanted/needed in regards to this ad finally been understood and taken seriously, even if it wasn't going to happen every day.

  Thanks Chan man for not just telling me you understood what I had said, but doing something much more important, and showing me!  It means the world!

So, now that I've reached the end, I'll pose the same question that I titled this entry with: is it time to be hopeful that my wants/needs in regards to this are going to continue to be met without opposition???  Although I'm not sure at this point, all I can say is I hope so!

   You know, it seems as though either my emotions have the worst timing when it comes to letting go, or if I know I have somebody to turn to, and be vulnerable with, that person, or those people, aren't available at that exact moment.  It's about 10:30 my time, and about a half hour ago, something happened (which I don't want to get into now, because I'll start crying again, and because I'm dictating this entry, crying would not be conducive to me finishing it) which made me have the biggest break down I've had in a very long time.  For the past couple weeks I've had to remain strong for the people around me, because like I was telling someone last night, me breaking down would only make things 100% worse!

   Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I finally couldn't hold back my emotions early this morning.  With me, once the floodgates to my emotions are open, there's no stopping them until I've gotten every last bit of them out of my system.  As I said at the top of this, somehow my emotional releases always have horrible timing.  All I wanted at that exact moment was for somebody to hug me, hold me, and tell me everything was going to be okay, even if in reality they didn't really know that.  Was there anyone around to do that?  Absolutely not!  Was there anyone around to even say "I know you're upset, but we'll get through it together."?  Absolutely not!

   So, once again, it was just me and my ocean of emotions.  I was, at one point, all alone and ready to cry.  The difference between this time and the last time is the fact that this time I wasn't just ready to cry, I ended up crying all alone, and I can tell you that that's an even worse feeling than being all alone and ready to cry.  At least if I'm all alone and ready to cry, but never actually do, the emotion(s) can and will be overcome, and I can move on with the rest of my day.  However, if I actually start crying, and am still all alone, there's a good chance that I'll continue crying throughout the day, even if it is spontaneously.

   Since I'm not crying at this exact moment, all I can say is I hope that this dreadful repeating pattern will end sooner rather than later, and I'll have someone in my life that I can be weak and vulnerable to without having to worry about whether they're going to be able to handle my ocean of emotions!  I'll keep all of you posted about the journey to finding that very special someone!

   I have some very dishearting news to report.  A very big  inspiration of mine passed away on Friday.  Althogh I never actually met Randy Paush, he's the only person I ever knew of who genuinely LOVED life as much as I do!!!  At one point during what has become known as The Last Lecture, which I'll give an opportunity to see here a bit later, he humorusly apologizes to his audience for not seeming as depressed as some people probably think he should be given his circamstances.  I do this all the time when it comes to my disablity!

   In September of 2006, Randy was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.  At that point he was given 3-6 months.  When the doctors gave him that prognosis, they, and the cancer for that mater, had no idea the type of person they were dealing with!!!  At anther point during his lecture, he talks about deciding whether you're a Tigger or an Eyore, and then says, "I think I'm pretty clear where I stand!!!" 

   Before I put the video of his lecture in here, there's one more point that he made that made me stop and think that I wanna touch on.  He talks about obstacles being brick walls.  While presenting the lecture, he refers to these walls quite frequently, and what he says about them is something I've been trying to put into words for many, many years, but for some reason had never been able to until he said it.  "The brick walls aren't there to keep us out, there there to let us show how badly we want something...there to keep the other people out!"  Yes!  That's it!   Thanks much, Randy!!! 

Randy, even though I never got the pleasure meeting you in person, now whenever I look at tigger, I'll think of you, and I'll do it with a smile!   

   Well, for a second time in about 10 days, I will be headed back to my mom's house later today.  The first time I went it was for my sister's bachelorette party.  This time I'm actually going home for the wedding, and when I come back, they will be husband and wife.  In many, many, many, many ways, I am very excited about this, and will tell anyone who will listen that I couldn't have chosen a better soul mate for my little sister!!!  I can't wait to see them start a new chapter in their lives!  You know, over the course of my 24 years, I've often heard people say that two people who are getting married were truly meant to be together, and I know it sounds cliché, but these two were truly meant to be together, and that's all there is to it!

   If you took the time to read the title of this entry, and you know me at all, you have probably already realized that there is something behind that title.  If you have realized this, or even thought this, you would be right.  You see, even though I am extremely elated to be a part of this once-in-a-lifetime chapter unfolding, there is a part of me that if a little bit sad, although probably not for the reasons any of you might think.  I'm sad because for the second time in about 10 days, I have to leave my two best friends for about another two weeks.  Granted, Chan I can talk to on the phone, and I'll also see him at the wedding, as he is planning on coming.  My other best friend, and sometimes closer friend, isn't going to be so easy to make contact with while I'm gone.

   At this point, our only means of communication is via the Internet, and while I will probably have computer access while I'm gone, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll have messenger access. Usually there isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk at least for a brief moment, even if it's just to check in, and now I may have to go to whole weeks without those daily conversations.  That sucks, and if I'm being completely honest with myself, and all of you, I really don't like it!  I understand that some of you may be thinking something along the lines of: don't most people enjoy being around their families enough that they can go without communicating with the "outsiders" in their lives for a little while?

   If you are thinking that, please don't misunderstand the message I'm trying to convey.  I love them all dearly, and love spending time with them, but you see, my two best friends have become such an integral part of my life, that they too are now two people that I look at as family, and just as with my blood family, I have a very difficult time knowing that I won't be able to "see" them for almost an entire two weeks, and know that they're okay.

   Since I can't take both of them with me, I guess I'm just going to have to work with what I have.  With that being said, all I can do at this point is hope that at some point during the unfolding of this new chapter, I will have a chance to catch up with both of them, and let them know that I am thinking about them.  That option still sucks, but it's all I can do at this point.

Chan: I know I tell you this at least once a day, and I know you you know it, and aren't going to forget it before I see you again, but remember, I love you, and I always will!

Daniel: I have also told you many times how much your friendship means to me, and I'm quite positive that you're not going to forget that before I come back, but for some reason I feel compelled to write it once again!  There's a dynamic to our friendship that I haven't shared with anyone else, and I probably never will!  It is truly unique, and that's what I love!  Thanks for just being you!!!

   Earlier today, Daniel and I got on the subject of typing efficiency, or lack there of.  He mentioned that there was a good reason that he hadn't built a "send" button into his chat room software.  Here's the log:

Daniel: i did have a reason for leaving it off originally though
Danielle: Which was?
Daniel: trying to break peoples in using "inefficient" methods...  like someone using keyboard for typing but then taking hands off keyboard and then manipulating the mouse to click the send button when all they had to do was press ENTER
Daniel: its even worse with web browsing...
Daniel: people will type the address in but use the mouse to click Go
Daniel: and my pet peeve, even when someone knows the exact website URL of a site, they will type it into a search engine like google or yahoo, rather than just type it into the URL box
Danielle: It's a good point, I never thought of it like that
Daniel: like why are the searching around when they have the exact address
Danielle: You know what though?
Daniel: people type http://www.whatever.com into google rather than just type it in 1 inch higher in the URL box
Daniel: and advertisers get charged each time
Daniel: whats that?
Danielle: I only use the button if I'm using Dragon
Danielle: Because it takes longer for me to say "
Danielle: press enter key than it does "send"
Daniel: yep, thats something i had not considered
Danielle: In that case, using the enter key is less efficient than using send
Daniel: yep
Danielle: I am an incredibly efficient when I can use Dragon, Which is why I was so excited when I discovered that your site will so incredibly user-friendly when it came to using Dragon!
Danielle: So, how did you discover that we were all so inefficient when it came to typing?
Danielle: By accident, or something you've been watching over time?
Daniel: watching people
Daniel:
Danielle: yeah, I suppose that would prove a point!  Grin
Daniel: hehe
Danielle: You know what you've done, don't you?
Daniel: what?
Danielle: You've planted this new seed in my head, so now every time I see somebody typing I'm going to be watching to see if they actually use the enter key!  LOL
Daniel: lol
Danielle: And I'm also going to be watching to see whether or not they type exact addresses into search engines!  LOL
Daniel: gotta teach one person at a time
Danielle: I suppose, I just had never thought of the logistics of typing, and how inefficient most of us probably are
Daniel: its like those monkeys in Indonesia that wash their fruit before eating it.  monkey see, monkey do
Danielle: If I'm not using NaturallySpeaking though, I never use the button, because my typing is already slow enough, I don't need to make it any slower by having to take the time to move the mouse over the send button, and click 

Are any of you inefficient typers??? 

   When most of us think about going home for a special event, or holiday, it brings back memories of things we used to do in the warm safe environment of our childhood home.  In fact, even if our family members don't still live in the house where we grew up, going to see them evokes nothing but happy, safe, and warm memories.  In most ways, I am no exception.  Take note though, that I said most.

   You see, I have many, many, many of those warm childhood memories that I enjoy looking back on from time to time.  However, since 2004, which is the year that I moved out on my own, things have changed dramatically, and my fantasy land of the home sweet home has unfortunately, abruptly, and even more sadly been shattered.  Today when I go home, which I should say it isn't where I grew up, by the end of the trip, I become very emotionally drained, very sad, and almost depressed in some ways.

   By now, if you're still reading at this point, you are probably beginning to wonder what the hell I'm talking about, and wanting a little bit more detail, so that you can get a better picture.  Well, as most of my regular readers know, I always come through for them, and this will be no exception.  However, I will warn you that what you're about to read in the paragraphs following this one may be difficult for some people to read.  Please, don't misunderstand the warning I'm trying to give you.  I'm not by any means being physically abused when I'm at home, but the example that I'm about to give you does convey a lot of emotional pain, and it may become emotional for you to read.  So, if you're the type of person who doesn't feel that you can handle reading about others' emotions, stop here, for your own benefit.

   The apartment that my mom currently lives in use to be a single-family home that was eventually converted into two apartments.  My mom lives in that top one, and my sister lives in the bottom one.  They actually sit right on top of each other, and are connected with a staircase of about 12 stairs.  When I go home, I usually stay upstairs with my mom just because her apartment is a little bit bigger than my sister's and there's a little bit more room to move around with a wheelchair.  Due to the fact that there are 12 stairs going up to her apartment, it's physically impossible for me to bring my power chair with me. Therefore, I just leave my manual chair at her house, and use it when I'm there.  Now, because of the type of back that I have on my manual chair, it is very top-heavy, and tips backwards very easily.  For this reason, someone, whether it be my sister, or my mom, or another family member (depending on the event) always has to be with me.

   On one of the last days right before I returned home, which was on the seventh of July, my sister asked my mom what time her haircut appointment was.  My mom said it was at 1:15.  My sister said okay, and told my mom that Chad (my sister's fiancé) and her were going to go do something after he got off work, which would have been about four o'clock. To make a very long story short, my mom got upset because she wanted to be able to have just one day where she would be able to do all her running, and get everything done, without having to worry about a time crunch.  My sister got upset because the day before when my mom told her about her haircut, and asked her if she had anything going on, she said no, not during the day, but they were probably going to do something that evening after he got off work.  During this whole fight, my mom kept repeating that my sister had said that they were going to do something that evening, not right when he got off work.

   In the midst of this screaming match between my mom and my sister, I'm sitting at my mom's computer thinking to myself: if I wasn't in my manual chair, mom probably wouldn't have such an issue with leaving me alone for the 45 minutes it would take for her to go get her hair cut.  I am in my manual chair though, and I have no control over that, and they are both very well aware of that, and yet somehow I'm still getting stuck in the middle!  How exactly is that fair???  Eventually, after this war of words goes on for about another 10 minutes, my sister goes back down stairs to her apartment saying that she has no desire to go do what they were going to do before this whole thing started, and my mom yelling after her that she could just go do it.

   I promise you that the description I just gave you really doesn't do what happened any justice, but now that you have some idea you will at least be able to somewhat understand why I felt so desperate, alone, and ready to run as this was all going on.  To be honest with you, this isn't the first time this has happened and it probably won't be the last.  All the other times were before I discovered SaidSimple, and started utilizing it.  Each and every time it does though, I feel more and more alone, trapped, and ready to run then I did the time before when it happened.

   To bring it all full circle, the older I get, and the more I begin to understand the world around me, the things that are being said, and the emotions that are being evoked, the more I begin to cherish the fact that most of the time I had six good wheels that are able to take me wherever I want to go at will, which does include leaving a heated argument between two people who I love very dearly.  Sadly however, as you can see from the above example, at least from this point forward, my fantasy of home sweet home is probably gone because now when I'm at home I am more dependent on somebody than I ever was when I was growing up, because when I was growing up ,we could bring my power chair into the house, and I could be left alone for more than 20 seconds, which meant that there weren't going to be any arguments over who was going to stay with me, and why they should or shouldn't have to do it, or why they did or didn't want to do it.

   As emotionally draining as this trip was for me, there was one bright spot, and I must give credit where credit is due.  There were a couple times during my where I just needed to talk to someone outside of those four walls so that I didn't go insane!  He didn't know this at the time, and actually he'll be reading it for the first time when all of the rest of you do, but Daniel is the one who helped keep me sane when I needed it most!  I couldn't, and it didn't tell him how I was feeling during my trip, but it doesn't matter.  When I needed it most, he was right there to do what he does best with me, and for me: he was there to let the conversation flow, what ever happened, happened, and by the time I was done talking to him, I could go to bed feeling some sense of normalcy and peace, and contently knowing that if I needed him tomorrow, and it was after 5:30 my time, he would most likely be there, and for the briefest of moments I would be able to forget that my fantasy land of home sweet home no longer exists!

   Daniel: I've said this before, and I'll gladly say it again: thank you for just being you and although you had no idea at the time how much our brief conversations meant during my trip, thanks for just being there, and being a great friend!

   Well, I just finished completely reformatting and updating my mom's computer.  I know this is gonna sound strange to some of you, but I had A LOT of fun doing it!!!   As some of you know, my secondary passion is computers and programming, proceeded only by psychology!   So when I get to put that passion to good use, it brings me great joy!   Not to mention the fact that I'm the only one that knows how to do it, so when asked to, it makes me feel important, and needed! 

Now I just need to get around to reformatting my own. LOL  Somehow it's always more fun to do the work for other people than it is on my own computer! LOL