Jumping rainbows

   The two words "guilty pleasure" are usually associated with food, but they don't have to be, and that's what I'm going to talk about today.  First though, I'm going to give you some examples of food and nonfood guilty pleasures so that we're on the same page.  Maybe someone is on a diet and really, really wants a piece of cheesecake, but knows that he isn't in the rules of what they're supposed to be eating.  In the case of children, maybe it's something they really, really want, but mom or dad has told them that they can only have it once in awhile, or if they finish something they were asked to do.  For some ladies, it could be an expensive pair of designer shoes.  The bottom line: it's something you really, really want, but know you shouldn't have.

   I wanna take you back to the example of the expensive designer shoes.  Obviously, that's a nonfood guilty pleasure, but I know a few women who have entire closets devoted to their shoe or purse collection.  All of those women are well aware that they don't need that big of a collection, and that they probably shouldn't be spending as much money as they are on it, but they still jump at the first chance they get to get a new purse or pair of shoes.  It's one of those things that makes them happy, and that's what guilty pleasures supposed to do.

   So, now that I've spent at least 10 minutes describing what a guilty pleasure is, and that it doesn't necessarily have to be a food item, you may be wondering if the I have any guilty pleasures.  Like almost any human being, whether they're willing to admit it or even know it or not, I do.  It's something that for a long time I didn't even realize was a guilty pleasure.  In fact, I told many people that I didn't enjoy these at all for a number of reasons.  Then one day recently, almost out of nowhere, it just hit me that these indeed were a guilty pleasure for me!  Prior to this revelation, had I been asked the question of what my guilty pleasure was, I probably would've told you I didn't have one, oi couldn't think of one.  If I'm asked that question now, however, my answer will be almost instantaneous: necklaces!!!!

   Right now, I have so many of them that I could probably wear a different one each day of the week, and not have worn the same one twice!  Now, of course, I do have my favorites and tend to wear those more frequently, but that doesn't mean I would have to.  You know how you hear some women say earrings, shoes, or certain types of clothing make them feel pretty?  For me, that's what necklaces do.  So, why did I deny my guilty pleasure to others for so long?  I'm not sure if it's that I denied it, or if it's that I really didn't realize it.  However, I do now, and that's all that matters, right?

   Well I be adding to my guilty pleasure collection?  Without a doubt!  Will it be any time soon?  Who knows, it just depends on if I find something that I really like, and feel like spending the money on.  Whenever I end up expanding it, I'll post again here so that I can display it!

   The video below is BEYOND WORDS BEAUTIFUL!!!! I've watched it several times since someone VERY dear to me sent it to me just a few days ago. Each time I have, it's brought me to tears, shaking, sobbing tears, filled with so many levels of joy for my ever strengthening relationship with MY Lord and Savior!!!! Thank you just seems so incredibly WEAK when I think about what I would say to Him to show my appreciation for the three ANGELS known as Cullen, Pam, and Rick He brought into my life at just the right time, but it's all I can think of. So...

   Gracious Father, Creator and Protector of ALL things good, THANK YOU for choosing Cullen, Pam, and Rick to help strengthen my bond with You!!!! I know I have five AMAZING angels now (You and Fergie being the other two)! Please continue to protect the four of them! For Pam and Rick, continue carring their burdens and them, even when they're too humble, don't know how, or simply can't ask for Your help!! In Jesus' name, Amen!

   In the past three months I've ridden a roller coaster of emotions I hoped not to be riding for a long, long, long, LONG time!!! For those unaware, three months ago I lost the one who held my heart as tenderly as I held his! Even though he's in heaven as I write this, we'll share a bond that NOTHING will ever break!! Of that, be it the only thing at times, I'm supremely confident!!!

   The waves of grief, when they come, are grueling and seem to be never ending at times. They always are though, and I wanna talk about something that's helped me get through the past few weeks of waves: Being able to reflect on ingredients for my tear soup. Yes, I said tear soup. Let me explain. Within the last two weeks, I was introduced to a book called Tear Soup.

   It's a book about the fact everyone grieves entirely differently, even over the same person or thing. The ingredients (thoughts, memories, emotions, ect.) for my tear soup will be different from another person who spent the same amount of time with him. By the same token, my soup will need to be cooked differently (I'll express those thoughts, memories, emotions, ect. differently) than someone else's.   

   I wanna post the content of the e-mail here because I'm pretty confident it'll touch somebody else as deeply as it did me! If not now, at some point:

Grandy's Recipe for Tear Soup

Helpful ingredients to consider

A pot full of tears

One heart willing to be broken open

A dash of bitters

A bunch of good friends

Many handfuls of comfort food

A lot of patience

Buckets of water to replace the tears

Plenty of exercise

A variety of helpful reading material

Enough self care

Season with memories

Optional: one good therapist and/or

support group

Directions:

Choose the size pot that fits your

loss. Its O.K. to increase pot size if you

miscalculated. Combine ingredients. Set

the temperature for a moderate heat.

Cooking times will vary depending on the

ingredients needed. Strong flavors will

mellow over time. Stir often. Cook no

longer than you need to.

Suggestions:

Be creative.

Trust your instincts.

Cry when you want to, laugh when

you can.

Freeze some soup to use as a

starter for next time.

Keep your own soup making journal

so you wont forget.

Need I say more???

   Since Cullen's passing just over a month ago, there have been days when I've really struggled with missing him!!!! I'm quite sure there are many more to come in future days!  Most days though, I find delight in remembering the good times!  When we met, I had no idea that the one I would eventually fall in love with and give ANYTHING to marry was as big of a hopeless romantic as I've always been, and ALWAYS will be!!!!

   He absolutely LOVED sunsets, as do I!   We talked often about watching one together, and it was something I dreamed about after he moved to the new apartment!! Unfortunately, the Lord had other plans for Cullen, and that dream didn't become a reality.  Now, though, whenever I get the opportunity to see a sunset, and it's quite rare, I know he's with me, and take great comfort in that!!!!  

   Somewhere around Monday, the third, his parents left for Florida.  His mom and I have been in contact on and off since they left.  They'll be back the last week in January or first week in February.  Today though, she sent me this breathtaking picture of a sunset taken some time on their trip to Sanibel.    It reminded me so much of Cullen, it almost made me cry, happy tears of course!    While we didn't get the chance to see stunning views like this during his time here, I rest assured we will some day!   That's something I look forward to more than ANYONE will ever know!!!!!!!!!!

   I love you with every part of heart and soul, baby!!!!!!  As far as I'm concerned, we were as close to married as we can be, and I'm SO PROUD of that!!!    Thank you for being you!!!!  I love you, darling!!!!!!!!!!!!  

   I'm sure this is a question most of us have pondered at least once as adults.  However, being that most people are relatively healthy, including myself, it probably hasn't been a lingering or reoccurring thought.  There's one person I know would've had a beef, however brief and/or sarcastic, with that statement:  Cullen!  Even before he started the decline to his lowest point, he'd given his ENTIRE heart and life to the Lord!!!  I have no doubt that this meant that as his final days and hours were approaching, not only did he feel it from a physical perspective, but also from a spiritual perspective as well!

  I was able to witness one of the many "conversations" he was said to have had with his angel!  It was after he moved into the apartment closer to me.  When I got to his apartment on this Friday, his PCA was just pushing him out into the living room.  Usually when I would come on Fridays and he was in his chair, he'd try to make eye contact with me.  Today, however, that wasn't the case.  He was looking up and to the left.  Odd, I thought.  Thinking he didn't hear me come in, I announced my presence again, louder this time.  Nothing.  A few seconds later, his mom says, "I think somebody is seeing his angel."  Now I was more than intrigued!  So, I sat quietly for a long moment, studying him...

   What I saw was both magical and mystifying!!!!  He was engaged in a full conversation with someone or something none of the rest of us in the room had the apparent privilege of seeing!  He was even tracking this being around the room using ONLY his eyes!!  This was something I knew he was capable of through stories Pam, Rick, and his Personal Care Attendants had shared, but had never personally witnessed.  The moment I fully understood how important this conversation was to him was when I asked him if he would look down because I had something to show him.  With all the defiance he could muster, he looked straight up!!  It sent chills throughout my body!  Writing about it now even does!!!  At that point, we slipped away, telling him to let us know when he was finished.

   Later I asked him if his angel talked to him as well.  Yup, he (I had asked about gender earlier in the day) sure did!  Through a bit more "detective work", I discovered that he'd been asking his angel to take the pain he was in away so he wouldn't have to be stuck in bed while I was there.  I was both heartbroken and touched beyond description!!!!  That whole experience was UNDOUBTEDLY life changing for me!!!!!!!!!!  Which brings me back up to the title of this post.  Take 15 or 20 seconds to scroll back up and look at that...

   Ready?  I hope so.  Though I believe there are elements, the Lord, the angels, the Saints, ect., that are part of the standard experience of Heaven, to a greater extent I think we each have our own Heaven.  This is a place where all of Cullen's dreams, hopes, longings, and ideas will become reality without effort on his part.  I think I might have a good idea of most of its elements, a good share of which I won't share, as he would be upset with me!

   He does have an endless supply of tea, both hot and iced, and a heated pool that stretches as far as the eye can see!!!   Almost as important as tea and a pool are the regulation size basketball court, baseball diamond, football field, and hockey rink.  All that's great, but doesn't compare to the biggest, and my favorite thing I imagine:  a PA system that broadcasts my voice with the touch of a button!!   He was forever telling me how much he loved to hear me talk, so what could be better?!

   Sweet, sweet Cullen: may all your dreams, hopes, longings, and ideas be presented on an even grander scale than even you could've ever imagined!!!  I know you're already well aware that I love you with all my heart, but do you know for how long I will?  Forever and ever, amen.   

   the title of this entry is actually a quote from a lifetime movie i watched recently called the christmas hope. it was about this family who had recently lost their son in a car accident. the mom, an adoption agent, was having great difficulty coming to terms with her son's death throughout the movie. at one point, the husband says to her, "sometimes you just have to sit still and grieve." i watched this movie last wednesday evening, and that quote just keeps running through my head. why? it's quite simple, as far as i'm concerned: i haven't yet had the opportunity to truly let that happen since cullen's passing just over two weeks ago. it's nobody's fault. well, not really anyway. see, it's just that the ideal situation hasn't presented itself as of late. what is this ideal situation, you ask?

   though that answer might seem simple when you read it, it's tougher to come by than you might think: i need to be held and allowed to cry until i have no more tears, with the person doing the holding saying nothing!!!! if, and/or when that scenario plays out, i'll write another entry talking about if what i thought i needed was what i really needed.

   until then, will all of you who read this, regardless of whether you know me personally or not, do me a favor? if someone you know could use a hug, and you're able to in any capacity at all, do it!!!! when you do, do it without uttering a single sound, try to make sure it's a hug from the front, and last but definately most importantly: don't be in a hurry to let go!!!

   On the 28th of September I stood, with the help of a standing frame, (a thing that completely supports me) for the first time since FIFTH GRADE!!!!  Many people have asked me what standing after that long felt like!  Try as I might, I can't find the words to describe what it felt like!!   The most amazing part about being almost completely upright was the fact that I was at eye level with the people I was talking to!!!!!!!!!   I stood for almost an hour!!!!  

   The next step?  I'll have a seven day in-home trial within the next couple weeks with the standing frame I'll hopefully be getting.  If that goes well, the physical therapist I'm working with will write a letter of necessity/recommendation and submit it to the insurance company.  Then, it's up to the powers that be at the insurance company to approve it...or not.  WHEN they approve it, because that's the way I'm choosing to think,  I'll have my own within about a month!!!!

   Once I knew that getting my own standing frame was likely to be a reality, mom and I started thinking about getting "good" shoes for standing.  Then yesterday, as I was waiting for my ride to come pick me up after school, my sister said she saw a YouTube video on Nikie's you could personalize.  Not only could you add text, but you could also pick all the colors and EVERYTHING ELSE, even including the tred on the sole!!!!   WAY COOL!!!!!!!  Now, they definitely AREN'T cheap!!  I spent all evening last evening costumizing different pairs!  My favorite pair was one where id (text) is on the front of the tounge of the shoe.  On one tounge I put "STAND", on the other "TALL".  The customization doesn't cost anything extra, and the shoes are $135.  I probably won't get them until some time in December, but I WILL!!!!!!!!!!

Wanna see my custom creation?!  Click here!!!!