I think this is something allot of disabled people probably have an issue with. I know for me it seems like it is something I battle every day. I have always had a very low self esteem about myself. I always feel uncomfortable about my looks, disability, not being smart enough and even the way I sound.
I always tell people it is what is on the inside that counts. That the outside appearance doesn't mean a thing. I do believe that, but also the way somebody makes you feel about yourself is important too.
I grew up always in a wheelchair and always overweight so both of those together really made me a shy person that pretty much always felt like I was just here, I wasn't an important part of this world.
Growing up my family did their best making me feel good about myself and I had a couple of friends that would spend time with me and I knew they didn't care if I was short, tall, skinny, fat disabled or not disabled they wanted to spend time with me.
Now that I am an adult and on my own, I am realizing I have more issues with self esteem then I thought. I married somebody that really doesn't build my self esteem up any, he usually rather just tell me what I am doing wrong, or that I never do anything at all. Most of the time I think I tune that out. I have managed to stay married for 10 years so far, so I guess I really do tune it out most of the time.
I am finding now that I spend more time on the computer that the friends I have made, few as they are, mean everything to me because they have always been the ones that have made me feel good about myself. They can't see me and they have been able to get to know the real me so it has been so easy.
There is a drawback to that though, you get so used to being around the ones that make you feel good about yourself and know exactly what to say when your having a bad day, that you think it will last forever. You get dependant on those people and expect them to always be there whenever you need a good "pick me up". When in reality, things change......people change. My friends may not always be there when I am having a "bad self esteem day" to pick me up. When they aren't around and I am already feeling down, I start feeling like I have just been pushed aside or forgotten about or that they found somebody that they like better.
It may not be how things are but it is how I feel at the time anyway. Then when I feel that way, I don't react to it very well, which just makes things even worse.
The more I think about it...the more I feel like I am probably not the only person to ever feel like this.
It dawned on me recently that the reason I get upset feeling like I am losing my friends is because I need them, I need their reassurance that I matter, that I am important to them and that I am a good person. Maybe that sounds selfish but it's the truth.
I am in the process of trying to learn to build up my self esteem on my own.....it isn't easy, but always feeling like you are losing your best friends, even when your not, isn't a great feeling. My friends haven't left me, they just have their own lives too and they have every right to lead their own lives.
Self esteem is a very important part of our lives. If we live having a low self esteem it can affect other areas of our lives. Sometimes I have to just tell myself that I am a good person no matter what anybody says or does to make me feel otherwise.
I suppose this is just one more part of learning to be independent....
Take Care and God Bless,
Bev