Amber's Abode

We have nothing to fear but...

Well, I know it's been a while since I wrote.  But it's not been because nothing is happened.  A lot has happened that I haven't been sure how to write about.

Most recently after my last blog, the manager of the house where I live's boss called me and began the conversation with "I don't want to put you in a bad mood, but...." So you know that's a bad sign.  She began to ask me all these questions about my past, the abuse and everything.  She told me I didn't have to be specific, but every time I tried to be general she wanted more specifics.  And she kept saying stuff like "oh that's why you're like this, or that's why you have this fear...." It was horrible, and when I asked her what she was doing it for, a got worse.  She apparently had to ride a psychological profile for the staff here to read.  So not only do I not know what she's writing, I don't know what new people that work here are going to think about me.  Nor do I know what her qualifications are for processing the information that she drew out of me.  It brought up a lot of stuff that I wasn't ready to deal with in that moment.  And I'm still dealing with now.  It's really scary.

And I'm getting more and more afraid for my surgery, coming up next Thursday.  Wednesday is going to suck because I can't eat anything but clear liquids and I have to drink about 8 ounces of liquid laxative in about 64 ounces of other liquid in an hour and a half in preparation for the hysterectomy the next day.  And I don't know if they are going to be able to do the keyhole version, because my catheter hole is usually where they put the keyhole, so they might have to gut me like a fish; and I won't know until after I wake up.  If I wake up.  Yes, yes, I know I will.  But that's one of my deepest fears about surgery.

Poor Daniel.  My anxiety attacks about this have been coming more frequently, and all he can do is be there while I ride them out.  Or, stay home and work more actively on the new version of the site, which I'm happy to inform Daniele that he has been doing a little more.  However, the day you come home from camp is the day before I go into surgery, so if it's not quite finished by then, don't blame either of us, OK?  :-).

I like it when he's here, of course, but I feel bad for him sometimes, because in this hot weather, there is nothing we can do outside of my house anyway, so we usually end up on our respective computers anyway.  So we figure productiveness is better.  I know he's here because he wants to be here, but I know the anxiety is frustrating because apparently I take it out on him sometimes if it gets really bad.

Especially if I'm on Percocet pain medicine at home, or morphine, in the hospital.  That stuff does weird things to my brain, and makes me feel very angry at all the unjust things all at once.  And there is no escape from it.  It's like I'm stuck in an infinite loop of anger and pain.  It's horrible.  I try not to take it out on people, but apparently, I do.  Daniel, I want you to know that I'm very sorry, and that if it is up to me, I will never take either one of those ever again.  I've already put it down as a bad interaction, so they should be able to find something else.

I'm not sure where all this fear is coming from, or why it won't go away.  I've tried to do lots of things to calm the nightmares and the anger, but nothing works permanently, although without the added effect of the pain medicine, I'm better able to control it.

I never was really ignoring it before, I had just put it somewhere where it didn't really take over my daily life.  But I think that lady making me dredge through a lot of personal stuff to her, a near perfect stranger, and have her be so flippant about it, took it out of the organized place where I was just able to sit with it, and now it won't be quiet enough to just sit still.  And I'm not allowed to take that much pain medicine this week, because a lot of them are considered blood thinning agents, which are bad before this kind of surgery.  And pain makes stronger emotion harder to deal with.

So I'm not sure what to do except realize that this is normal in the human experience and just keep moving the best that I can.  And remember that I'm loved and strong and at least in the starting place where I wanted to be.  Nothing worth doing or going through is easy.  I know this.  But that doesn't make waiting for the easier parts any easier.  Ironic, kind of.

Some good news is that I found out that I'm going to be an aunt around January sometime!  I'm very excited.  I can't wait.  But this is also bringing up ghosts, because I've always wanted to be a mother, and I almost was once a long time ago, and after I have this surgery, I won't be able to anymore, naturally.  Dreams hurt when they die.

I also feel like, for some unknown reason, I won't be a whole woman, or as attractive.  Weird thoughts.  I know I'm doing this for my health and for pain relief, so it is good, but still hard nonetheless.

So that's what I'm working with right now.  No neat little conclusion I can tie up in a box, no settled ending that I can come up with for this entry, but at least now you know where I am, and I'm trying to stay strong, and that I'm working on my own health.  Fear is not going to control my whole life, but it's definitely a companion right now.  And I guess that's OK, as long as I know that I'm Amber above and beyond it.

And that's the only thing anyone can ever ask me to be.

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