Amber's Abode

growing pains

Well, my dad flew out last Monday.  The visit didn't go as badly as I thought it would, at least on the outside.  But it still hurt because it was very very fake.  And as usual, he would not hug me or anything without outside prompting first.  And he alienated my caregivers, but at least he appeared to accept Daniel and did not lash out at me.  He actually said that he thought that I made the right decision, but it sounded like he was reciting a part in a play.  The funniest part was him blustering that if I had told him how bad it was in Oregon, he would've come to rescue me no matter what time of day or night.  Yeah right.  I did tell him.  Multiple times.  But he had to make it look good for everyone around.  The really funny part is that he had no idea that everyone around knew he was full of crap too.  It was also rather amusing to watch his face whenever Daniel kissed me hello or goodbye.

And of course, he never said anything remotely related to I'm proud of you.  I've been thinking about that all week.  Why I still seem to be on an eternal quest to hear those words, when I know full well I'm never going to.  Why it still hurts me that he doesn't seem happy to be my dad, when I know nothing is ever going to change.  I should know better, and therefore stop expecting and stop hurting.  But I've come to the conclusion that knowing with your head and accepting with your heart are two different things.  I guess inside me somewhere is still the little girl I was, always waiting to hear the words of affirmation.  And I have to make my peace with her too, let her still exist somehow, while moving forward at the same time.  That's hard.  Tomorrow, I am calling to set myself up with a counselor again.

I need counseling for other things as well.  Like trying to figure out why the person who could easily go all over Portland is suddenly scared to try the bus system, such as it is, here.  I think it may be because there I didn't have a place where I ever wanted to stay.  Who wants to spend all their days inside a room at the nursing home?  Right now I have a cool house and a decent home setup, with lots of freedom.  So I don't feel like it's a matter of survival that I leave.  But it is in a way, because I'm getting emotionally claustrophobic.  Like I have all this energy and I want to go explore my new city and things to do in it because if I stay at home all the time I feel like I might as well have stayed in Portland, where I was forced by the weather to stay indoors lots, or if I made myself go out, I got sick.  So I get angry at myself.  But perhaps I need to be more patient.  I will go when I really want to, just like a little kid will eat whenever he is hungry.

And I will need to go out more now because I no longer have the whole house to myself.  I have roommate.  He is really sweet, but mentally/emotionally, he is only about four years old, so we have little in common.  I don't mind him as a person, but his overinvolved family is starting to get more than a little annoying, and it's only been a few days.  I'm kind of sad because I liked having the house to myself.  But I still have the best room/good set up, and they gave me a lock for my door and new cookware, so I'm OK.  Reportedly, they are also coming to work on my shower on Tuesday, which makes me very very happy.

For more good news, I'm pretty sure I got approved for a service dog, because we want to do an in person interview/class on May 8, the week after my birthday.  I'm so excited.  I will definitely write more here as I find out more.

I will be 33 in a couple weeks.  It's so weird.  And weirdly quiet.  When Joe was allowed to talk to me my birthday began in April.  It was so much fun.  I miss him and his perspective on things, but I'm also glad for his sake that he has managed to stay quiet this long.

Oh, and I also figured out a way to use a computer joystick so that I can play World of Warcraft fairly well on my own!  This is exciting because I can now play with my family and other friends.  So I feel like I've been initiated, finally.  But at this point I can't see myself getting seriously addicted.  You never know though.  :-).

As my friend Cherry says, life is good.  Carry on.  :-).

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