Amber's Abode

it's a bittersweet Symphony...

Yesterday, I found out that three of my friends, one of whom was Betty, my roommate for almost the entire time I was at the nursing home called Gresham Rahab mentioned earlier in this blog, the last time.  Another one was my neighbor at Chestnut Lane.  Actually, two of them were.  And another one who lives in Chestnut Lane still, has only about 10 days to live from a vicious cancer they didn't even know was there before.  And Betty was perfectly healthy, so it was probably some nursing home negligence, but nobody's saying anything, of course.  I love them all.  They were all happy I was moving here to better my life, but now I feel bad that I wasn't there to say goodbye.

Presently, I feel a little like I am freefalling, better surroundings notwithstanding.  I think part of that has to do with hearing the news today of my friends' deaths.  And I know part of it has to do with the impending arrival of a man who is supposed to be my father, but whom I have not identified as such for years.  I went through so much at the hands of that person, some of which I don't even know.  I can kind of ignore or move to the side most of it because I can say he didn't understand that he was angry at the disability, not me.  I'm finding it really hard to forgive him, though, completely.  And it bothers me that he's coming to invade my life so soon after I got to the better place.  I don't want to give him a week of being able to pretend that he is a real father and everything is peachy.  But at the same time, in some sick and twisted way, I want him to be proud of me.  I don't want to give him opportunity to attack me, but I want to be able to rub it in his face that I don't need him anymore for survival.  I mean, I know he might honestly be coming to really visit with me and be nice and show up as a dad, and I can hope, but I don't really believe that.  Not yet.  I just don't trust him.

So pray for us or send positive energy in our direction next week.

On the good news side, there is a real possibility that I may get a service dog.  I get to go to a meeting tomorrow and check it out and meet some of the dogs.  I'm really excited.  It will open up many doors for me, as well as the companionship of the dog and the owner community.

And I also rediscovered Pandora.  It's awesome and free and everyone should check it out.  It's the best take on Internet radio.  You put in an artist you like, and they create a radio station containing that artist other artists that sound similar or are related in some other way.  So you get to learn about new music.  It's really cool.  I feel like I have my music back again, where I was kind of stagnating for new music before because I don't have very much extra money.  So I'm happy.

I hope everybody is doing well.

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