Amber's Abode

Deja Vu All Over Again

I fgured it was time for little news update.

Turns out my dad is coming the week of April 5 through the 12th.  I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions regarding this.  I want him to come and see that I'm in a good situation now, so maybe he'll calm down about the fact that I left, but I'm really hoping he doesn't come with the idea in mind that he is just going to lay into me the whole time.

So it's either going to be really angry time, or really fake time.  Like he will be sugar sweet in public, and quite the opposite in private.  I'm not sure which mode I'm dreading the most.  At least angry would be honest.  I go back and forth about this because I remember some really evil things he said when I left.  But he is coming either way, so I will have to deal with whatever comes, so I'm trying not to worry about it.  If he's under the misconception that I left Oregon because of something he did, then that's his perception, not reality, so whatever.  Believe me, I've found out the hard way, especially really recently, that you can't change someone's mind once it is really made up, even if the person's perception is dead wrong.

I'm going to give a case in point, and if it makes somebody angry, oh well, it's my blog, and I deserve a space to be able to respond to the attack that was leveled against me.

Yesterday afternoon, I was having a lovely visit with my grandparents, showing off the new house, when my phone rang.  I ignored it, continuing my visit, sure it was a telemarketer, because they are all that seem to be ringing my phone lately.  I forgot all about it until later in the evening when I went to check my voicemail.  And was instantly thrown into yet another round of emotional turmoil.

Readers of my blog from the early days will no doubt likely remember my friend Joe, who was engaged, but still wanted to come visit me.  They will likely remember the numerous blogs I put forth about how many hours I spent trying to convince him to stay where he was, and the weird emotional aftermath that ensued when he didn't follow that advice.  We have since remained in minimal contact, just saying hi once in a while on Facebook, or more recently, me texting him to make sure his ailing father was okay.

Why do I care, you ask, after all the drama from before?  Because I'm like that, I always care.  And because I miss my friend of 10 years with whom I could talk to about anything.  And whom, I will add for the record, I knew way before his current marriage even started.  And he was still sending me flowers and the hospital and PayPal gifts on my birthday and Christmas.  There had been no major recent news of misunderstanding arguments from a jealous and concerned wife, so I just assumed she finally gained some perspective, and while not completely okay with it probably, understood the fact that she has nothing to fear from a gimp girl living on the opposite coast from them, and trusted her husband be an adult about it.

Well, that's what I get for thinking.

Because the call I assumed was from a telemarketer was worse.  It was an out of the blue, very mean and explosive voicemail from the jealous and concerned wife.  Telling me in no uncertain terms never ever to contact him again.  Because she wasn't going to let me ruin their marriage.

Well, that's awesome for you, woman.  And don't you worry, your advice will be followed to the letter.  In fact, the number is blocked, so that neither one of you can make my phone ring ever again.  This makes me tumultuously sad, because I lost my best friend of 10 years over this.

But I'm done playing games.  I'm done asking him to be the man and stand up and tell you that our friendship matters and that there is nothing wrong about it.  Sure, we both made some mistakes, but none of them include what you're accusing me of.  I'm done asking him not to call me anymore, done trying to reason with him that I understand that he values the connection, but if he wanted to keep it, needed to make you feel comfortable with it, not call me whenever you were not around.

Or did he ever tell you that he was the one that initiated most of the recent contact, or did he ever dare to mention how hard I fought for you, for your marriage?  Probably not, because it's just easier to leave me the villain.  It's always good to be able to blame somebody else for problems; and it's even more convenient if that person is thousands of miles away.

So, girl, while you have every right to order me not to contact him again, and sleep well knowing that your order will be followed, I'm not letting you walk away from this thinking that I'm the evil person that trashed your marriage.  I'm not an angel, and I do apologize for any hurt any of my actual actions might have caused.  Sincerely.  I've always considered you a friend, and never wanted to hurt you.

That said, I am not responsible for, and therefore do not apologize for, any blown out of proportion perception you may have in your head.  If you're in doubt, ask your husband for the truth.  In the event you decide not to believe him, then you guys both need to look in your mirror when it comes to responsibility.  And seriously, work on your connection and communication skills as a couple.  Good luck with everything in the future.  And just to make everything crystal clear, I'm in a very happy, very committed relationship, so you never need to worry your head anymore.

And you, Joe, in the words of Douglas Adams, so long and thanks for all the fish.  In the words of ABBA, thank you for the music.  Seriously, thank you for everything being your friend has given to me.  And you know I'm not just talking about the material things.  I haven't forgotten anything, and I am forever grateful.  But somebody has to be the adult, the strong one.  And it looks like that falls to me this time.  Again.  Sigh.  I will miss you, honestly very much, but this is final.  I'm not going through this anymore.

I cried myself to sleep last night for the last time.

In our tradition of music, I will let the lovely Brandi Carlisle take us out.

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