Amber's Abode

the book of in your face and other confusing but interesting things

This is one of those times when I feel like writing, but I'm not sure what will come out.

I mean, what does one say when her sister removes her from her Facebook friend list?  Yeah, really.  Just when you think your screwed up family can't get any more screwed up.  And I know it wasn't an accident because the aunt that lives here was removed as well.  How did I find this out?  Well, yesterday was her birthday, and I went to go post an appropriate message on her profile and couldn't.  She re-added me only after I left her a phone message pretending ignorance and telling her that it must be the fault of Facebook.  But she never re-added her aunt.  Our aunt.  And her $30 a month "allowance" has stopped coming as well.

I mean, I knew she was angry that I left, but I don't understand why she has to take everything so personally.  Even though the whole family is screwed up, my coming here had absolutely nothing to do with them, and yet they're all whining like a bunch of female dogs in heat.  My dad said horrible things to me on a speaker phone with someone else in the room which amounted to the fact that since I left he was never going to see me again and I obviously didn't love him anymore.  And now, because his parents, my grandparents, are coming to visit me in a couple weeks, he suddenly figures out how to buy a plane ticket and is excited about it?  Whatever.

If he indeed shows up, he's in for the shock of his life.  I don't need him anymore.  Not like they want me to.  It would be great if all of them actually showed up like a family is supposed to do, that is emotionally.  Like my aunt and uncle that live here have.  But with the exception of a brother-in-law, and my other sister, his wife, who is trying to learn to do it for his sake, none of them ever have, the ones from Oregon.  So I'm used to it, even though it hurts.

But the way they have come to expect from me to need them, that is to survive, I don't need them anymore.  I haven't really for years, but they are just now waking up to the memo.  I guess me getting on a plane, even though it had nothing to do with them, was a pretty big eye-opener in that direction.  But I had to, to survive literally, because not one of them was doing anything to help me.  And I'm glad I did.

Because in the good news category, I finally got the better insurance.  So this means I can move up in the world.  Soon.  I'm beginning to feel excited for the adventure again, not just stuck in a holding pattern.  And I'm planning to sign up for a power wheelchair soccer team and apply for a service dog, so there are good things happening.

But because of the combination of good things and weird things, my spirit feels pretty confused lately.  I wake up not even knowing that I fell asleep sometimes, or where I am, which is scary.  I feel like I'm back in Portland unable to go anywhere because of sickness or the rain.  My muscles are extra shaky lately, especially at night.  Which makes for pain, which adds to the lack of sleep.  I'm not sure what is going on, but I will talk to my doctor, and I'm willing to bet that changing where I live and opening up new opportunities will help.

I will keep everyone updated.  Thanks for caring.

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