Well, I figure it's either update the blog or call people back, and I really don't feel like talking to anybody, so here you go. Hopefully, the antidepressant they started me on yesterday will actually work for me, and soon. I've been avoiding things and people and just feel like curling up into a ball and pounding my head on the wall while rocking in a corner.
Not an auspicious beginning, I know, but my life has been pretty hard lately, and it doesn't show any signs of getting any easier really soon.
For one thing, I woke up this morning to the news that one of my very favorite residents, Julian, died this morning. He was the heart and soul of this place. One of the few deaf people who actually took the time to communicate with me and gave me a hug or two every single time he saw me in the hall. He was proud of me that I am trying to learn sign language, but I bet he doesn't need anymore sign language. He can hear the angels singing now.
He was the president of the resident Council here, and made sure everyone was included in activities, deaf and hearing. He posted the day's activities every morning in multiple places, printed out on his own computer with graphics and a happy birthday to whoever that applied to. Everyone has just been crying all day. I'm pretty sure he was one of the first residents here when this place opened almost 6 years ago.
He woke up a few weeks ago with a sore throat and discovered it was esophageal cancer. He went in the day after his birthday for surgery. I talked to him through typing on a computer on his birthday. He told me not to worry because God was going to take care of him. It was supposed to be a quick two day hospital stay, but when they went in, they apparently found more than just the one tumor they were expecting. The cancer was everywhere. So they pretty much just sent him home. I didn't see him while he was here for the week because they asked people not to disturb him. But apparently he was taken to the ER late last night and died early this morning. God bless you, Julian. You will be sorely, sorely missed.
Another thing that I just found out is that apparently they are blustering about me feeding myself again. Now I am willing to try, and I do everyday pick up what I can, and I'm learning to use a fork. But people are always okay with helping me afterwords with the part I have trouble with. Well apparently, it is now the administrator's orders that I feed myself. Without any help whatsoever. So now I have to go verify if they are refusing me food if I can not feed myself. If that is the case, then I have to get the state involved. Because they knew I had issues with this when I moved in, and they still let me in. So now, by law, they are responsible for whatever care I need. I've heard that they say that they told me they would only help me on a two-week trial, but that's crap, because I never heard that. I've also heard that they were under the impression when I moved here that I could totally feed myself, which is also crap because the nurse that worked here when I moved in, the one that wanted me to move in, used to work at the nursing home I used to live in, and knew exactly the level of care needed.
So now it's possible that I may have to move back into that nursing home down the street from me, where at least they can hear me and they know what their job is. I mean, that would suck, but if it's that or not get proper nutrition....
But I have been secretly told by the staff who heard this just sit tight and let it blow over because the administrator is very upset over Julian and is just blustering and it will die down in a few days. Which is probably true because this has happened before. It goes in cycles. From the administrator's point of view, this building is very full of people who need lots of assistance and they are shortstaffed and need people to help in the dining room that are not just sitting down next to me. I understand this, I do, and I sympathize, but at the same time, it's not my problem. Again, they let me in knowing what they were getting into, no matter what they say.
But the biggest thing that has been going on for me is that I actually do want to move. Not to the nursing home down the street, to a completely different state. I've been debating whether or not to blog about this part because I'm not sure who will read this and what misconceptions they will jump to. But if I'm going to be honest with this blog I need to. Because I need help. I need suggestions and information from anyone who has either.
I want to move to the Phoenix area of Arizona. Most people are going to instantly think that is because Daniel is there. That's true, but it's not all of it. Not by a longshot. I have wanted to move there for 13 years. I need the sun, my other friends who are there, and the freedom to live my own life and find my own home just as much as I need to be around Daniel. But apparently, moving to a different state is an almost impossible task for a disabled person without a lot of money. See, every source we have talked to on both sides tells us that their hands are tied. Meaning that in order to sign up for the services I would need in Arizona, I actually have to be in Arizona. Then we learned that even if I can sign up for the services I will need, there is a waiting list for actual placement, i.e. a place to live. So ideally and/or theoretically, I would need a place to stay while all of this is getting set up. I have no such place, nor do I have the money to rent a hotel room and/or a caregiver for that long.
So while we are not giving up, and we never will, that dream is starting to look harder and harder to reach. Which just crumbles me on top of myself.
But there has to be a way. I can't be the only disabled person who is mostly on her own who has ever wanted to move to a different state. If anybody has any suggestions or concrete ways to help, please let me know. Let Daniel know as well, so we can attack it from both sides. No journey is ever easy, and we will conquer. I'm just not sure how.
Thank God my counseling appointment is today. I have to go get ready for it, but now you are all caught up. Don't feel bad if you try to contact me and I don't answer. I'm trying to spend time getting back to where I can deal with people without biting their heads off before I communicate regularly again. I have started doing that. Yelling at people for no real reason. This is scary because it's so not me. But I will reach the other side, I know. Thank you for being caring and patient.