Amber's Abode

No foolin'

Well, I'm feeling like it is time to write again, though I'm not sure what about.  I'm feeling really fractured right now.  And scared and powerful and hopeful at the same time.  It's confusing.

Today is April 1.  I used to have fun on April Fools' Day as a kid.  People usually believe me whenever I tell them something, because I don't usually lie.  Nowadays, I tend to just stay away from the silly fun by not believing anything anyone tells me at first.  But today that will be harder.  I have a doctor appointment in a couple of hours to follow my kidney ultrasound.  A little nervous about that, because I didn't think they found anything, but I'm thinking positively to myself that it's just routine.  Then again, it's not, because something is seriously wrong.  The hole that my catheter goes into is constantly bleeding, causing sometimes excruciating pain, so I'm pretty sure I'm going on more antibiotics.  I feel sometimes like giving up hope, because I feel like I'm caught in this endless loop of revolving sickness.  Fatigue levels are astronomical, like literally falling asleep sitting in my chair.  I never ever used to do that.  I couldn't get comfortable enough.  Now my body doesn't care, and it doesn't matter how much I sleep.  Pain level from the standpoint of being constant is a little better right now, my when it does come, it comes in really bad spasms that literally makes me scream or cry.  And there is always the solid material in my catheter that is not supposed to be there.

I want to get better, but the route of antibiotics only is obviously not working at least not at current dosage levels.  Nobody wants to admit me to the hospital as I've been asking to try IV medicine now.  I don't know why.  I don't want to just take pills and stay home because I have adverse reactions to them all the time.  Meaning as soon as I take my first dose I tell people that I will see them in a week, begin exhibiting flulike symptoms, am usually in bed 12 hours later, and usually don't get out of bed because of flulike symptoms until 24 to 48 hours after the last dose has been administered.  At least if I did the IV in the hospital thing, they could medicate the medicines, relieve the side effects, and/or at least pretty much knock me out for the duration so that I am not miserable.

The scary thing is that right now I feel like I do mostly when I am on antibiotics even though I am not currently on them.  I'm not in bed all the time, but often, and don't have the energy to stray far from home at all.  There is also this weird vestibular thing.  I never used to get motion sick.  Now I do at the drop of a hat, sometimes even from just piloting my wheelchair.  But whenever I ask the doctor to look inside my ears, she says they're clear.  I'm thinking about calling the discovery health Channel and being on Mystery Diagnosis.  :-).

Someone has also been using my credit card number randomly again for Internet purchases from sites I've never even heard of.  So I have to get a new card.  Again.

On the positive side, I'm still trying to get some type of job or something positive to do with my time.  I made a profile on a site called LinkedIn, for professional people to find each other.  You can see what I did there, showcasing my writing talents and people skills.  So if you are on that site, (JESS) add me and maybe the connection will be good for us both.

I have to go get ready now.  Have fun today.

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