So now I am quarantined officially for seven more days on top of a five I have already spent in my apartment. Apparently there is a virus called noro going around. It's very contagious and doubly among the elderly population, and they thought I had a version of it this weekend when I was sick with something. So they quarantined just me, although I wasn't as sick as you were supposed to get with this virus. But apparently four other people in the building have the illness, so no one is allowed out of their apartments until it all goes away. I understand this but it sucks big-time.
Also one of my most treasured friendships seems to be crumbling and disappearing under my nose. This is the one that I thought was going through a divorce. Well, after tremendous religious guilt and pressure was put on everyone involved, she pulled the divorce two weeks before it would have been final. I have been friends to both of them, but now she's using me as the main reason she left, calling me the girlfriend in her diary, and making up times I have showed up at their house. Totally forgetting that I paid bills for them on more than one occasion, among other things. The worst part is she dug back into my past, pulling out the facts from I don't know where she got them that I was an abortion survivor. Whether she does not know or is ignoring the fact that it actually happened almost 9 years ago is beyond me. But now I'm being punished over and over again for something that I really hurt over anyway and I'm trying to get past on my own. She made it out to the elders of her church like that I somehow now have a baby with her husband and made said baby during their marriage right under her nose.
I don't know whether to be hurt or angry or what, but I'm a combination of everything you could possibly be in a situation like this. The husband was my first love, and therefore will always be in my heart, but he got married after we split, and I'm not a cheater. I don't know why I always end up being the other woman when I am not in reality. It's like history repeating itself. If you wonder what I mean, go back toward the beginning of this blog and read about the visit from my friend Joe, and the fallout from that. My friend cares for me but really really loves his wife, although at this point I'm not really sure why after all she has done against him, but he still wants me around as a friend because she is slightly mentally challenged and cannot hold an adult conversation at all. But I keep trying to tell him that in this situation he cannot have both. If she does come back, which she doesn't have to because she filed a restraining order that's brand-new and has like 10 months left on it, the first rule of the marriage will be no contact with Amber. Again, history repeating itself. Sigh.
And she didn't file a restraining order on her own, her family, who is controlling her simple mind, told her to. There was no abuse, just a lot of not understanding of each other. Which I know will not change even if she does come back. But Jehovah's Witnesses are the supreme reigning people when it comes to guilt and an angry God who would rather people do the "right" thing even if it means being miserable or unhappy for the rest of your life. I studied with them for a long time, and even when I was among them, very few of them seemed genuinely happy. They all looked happy, but I can feel below the surface. If my friend or any of them reads this, I'm sure there is going to be a lot of arguments, but this is my blog. I know the right thing to do for me and for both of us right now is to completely go away and break all contact with my friend. Again. And probably for good. But neither of us really want that right now because we are both excruciatingly lonely and have so few other friends or social outlets. But I know that one day soon I will get too tired all the pain, crying myself to sleep, etc.. And I know I will get strong and do what I have to do. For me and for no one else.
That's my main problem is that I'm always doing things for everybody else and not me. Like I want to DJ. I love music and I really want to DJ. And I want someone to love me for just me and me alone. Not divided. I don't know for sure if I will ever have that but I believe in my heart sometime that I will. All of my dreams will. And that's why I keep hanging on through whatever storm happens. Even when they come one on top of the other.
And that's why I have to be kind to myself and understanding of myself and not beat myself up that I can't instantly walk away from most of my painful situations, including the one detailed above. Because I know that if some of you comment, your first thought will be that I should just walk away. I know this, for every situation that applies to, but I can't completely. Not right now. For whatever reason, I don't really know all of them, but I can't. And if I try to force myself to do something I cannot do that goes completely against my spirit and/or body, that would not be good. In a way I was forced to always do that growing up, so it won't happen anymore, even if that means extra needless pain, it's my needless pain, and I'd rather go through pain than be sheltered from it always. I know that I will do whatever I need to do on my own someday soon, and then I will look back and be very proud of myself.
You guys can comment and say whatever you want, but please be understanding that I am hurting on multiple levels right now, so just hitting you over the head with what you feel maybe obvious won't really help right now. I just basically need to know that there are people that care about me. That's all.
In good news, I got my new seat for my wheelchair finally, which is molded for my body, so I'm in a lot less physical pain. Life is so ironic sometimes.
I am also still painfully aware that I need a vacation and possibly a move. To somewhere with sunshine. I'm not naïve enough to think that moving will get me away from all the drama, but I definitely need a new perspective. If any of my readers are disabled and live in Arizona, especially around the Phoenix area, please write back and tell me who I can contact in order to get the ball rolling about traveling there and an attendant once I get there, at first for just a vacation and then maybe for an actual move.
Anyway, that is all for now.