Okay, so yesterday was really tough for me. I felt obligated to go to poker even though I didn't feel like it because I knew my military friend would probably be there and I haven't seen her in a while. So I went, but I was probably hypersensitive and got extremely hurt by lack of interaction or the scolding even for requesting more interaction. All of this is very vague I know, but it kept happening to me on multiple levels from multiple people that were there either just patting me on the head literally, or making jokes about getting me drunk just because it was funny to see me that way, or completely ignoring me altogether. So I had a mini meltdown. Crying at the end of the night and on the way home and a little bit here and nobody noticed, which hurt me even more.
The intriguing thing is this. I described the situation using the exact same words for each one to two different friends, one disabled, one not. The disabled friend in chat sent me virtual hugs and just told me that he understood and understands. The nondisabled friend in e-mail told me that he understood, but then offered advice on how to make it better.
Both friends are extremely valued by me, but I found it interesting how markedly different their responses were. And while I value the nondisabled friend's advice, and will share it, sometimes I don't need advice. Sometimes I just need to be held. And I don't like people thinking that my job is to receive advice from them. But I don't feel that way about this friend. Even though I've never met him in person yet, we are in the world of second life fairly often because he DJs, and we write extensively. The good thing about this friend is that he doesn't just give advice from lofty heights, as if he has already achieved the state of enlightenment that I need to get to. He is one of the only nondisabled people I know that will say I'm right there with you beside you and this is how I'm working on this. Even though I cringe at more advice sometimes, I still respect him because of his approach.
So his approach is to try always staying present. Neither thinking too much about the past, which is just depressing, or worrying about the future, which creates major fear. Neither one of us really have a problem dwelling in the past too much. We both have major issues with the future. I will post a link to the article he showed me at the end of this.
The basic gist goes like this. When you are eating, just eat. Don't think about what you have to do after dinner or what you did before. Just eat. Things like that.
I'm finding that the major struggle for this for me will be the constant reminding myself every second and moment to stay in the moment. I will be exhausted if I do that, even more exhausted than I am from dealing with all the crap around me. So I have a new idea for me, based on my favorite musical which I just saw again, called Rent. If you have not seen it, and can stomach musicals at all, (I love them) you should really rent the DVD and watch it. As soon as possible. It is sad, really sad in one way, but is completely alive and life-affirming.) Because the central theme is staying present. No day but today is one of the central songs. Partially it goes
There is no future.
There is no past.
I live each moment as my last.
There's only now, there's only this.
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.
No other road, no other way.
No day but today.
So I've decided that how I will work with this is not trying to force myself to be present in the moment every moment every second. I will start with the day. It's a more manageable chunk of time for me. If anybody wants to join me in this effort and tell me how are they are doing, feel free. It's really nice to know that I'm not alone in everything I do. For the skeptical, whom I completely understand, I will tell you the honest truth that I feel more awake and energetic and less depressed since this concept and goal came to me. Even in just the last few hours.
Here is the link to that article which has links inside it to other related information.
http://zenhabits.net/2008/02/a-simple-guide-to-being-present-for-the-overworked-and-overwhelmed/
The whole site is actually pretty cool.
As one of my means to this end, I'm going to write more. I'm not sure if that means writing more here or what, but I know that writing and listening to music are the only two activities in which I do not have to worry about not being completely present. I am always inside the music only if there is music around. Much to the bewilderment of people around me. And I'm always inside my writings when I'm writing, because nothing else matters.
So we will see where this leads. I've also been looking on meetup.com to meet people or groups who are interested in reading or writing or digital photography or anything else I'm interested in. It's not a dating site. It's a group site. You should check it out.
Love and light to you all.