Amber's Abode

The first week, or the sounds of silence

Hello everyone.  Thought I'd update my readers.  All five of you.  :-).

Well, I love my new apartment still.  And communication with my caregivers and neighbors, though still difficult, has become slightly easier a week later.  We had some equipment miscommunications, (they were going to take away my lift to get me in and out of bed because the insurance company was all panicking because they were paying for two, the one at my old house as well) so I had to go all the way back to my old house to clear it up.  And for some reason they still haven't come to plug in my phone.  This is really really irritating.  As an example I have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow and no easy way to communicate with them that I moved.  And it just makes me feel more extremely isolated, like I can't even communicate with the people I can communicate with.

I've been telling people that I kind of feel like they do in the outside world, where most everyone else can hear.  They can't communicate easily.  Here, most everyone is deaf and I can't communicate very easily yet.  It makes for a crushing loneliness, like I have almost never experienced so far in my life.  I mean, they come and do their job, and they do a good job mostly, but there is no conversation, no getting to know people, because of a language barrier.

And there is a lot of hurry up and wait.  I came from a place with five residents.  Here there are at least 50.  And they all need whatever they need right now.  People have discovered that I'm understanding and patient, so I'm often last.  Maybe I shouldn't be so understanding and patient.  :-).

I'm discovering that the hardest time of day for me is evening time, on the days when I don't go out.  It turns out the guy who was telling me I couldn't go out after 10 was new didn't know what he was talking about.  But they do lock the outside door after 10, so I have to scan the key card, which takes me a minute because the scanner thing is just on the high-end of my reach, but it is possible.  So I've been doing poker again and karaoke.  Yes!  That helps me get through three nights a week so far, but after that, it's hard.  I'm just not used to sitting still in the silence.

I miss my friends, and I want to be there for them.  But sometimes even if I could call them, I couldn't be there.  Like my one friend who is suddenly going through what looks like the end of his relationship but he wants to struggle to get it back.  This person is one of my best friends, so it's really hard to watch them struggle and not be able to help.  But I don't suppose I really can help much in a practical way right now, because he needs money and transportation, neither of which I really have, and he is angry when I try to call because he can't really talk to me about what he is feeling either because I don't know his wife very well, so I don't understand the situation.  I understand that much, but I also know that it hurts me to be walled away from any of my friends whom I know are hurting.  I feel so inadequate at best, useless at worst.  And I struggle with those feelings anyway, so anything adds to them is really hard.  And then I start blaming myself for whatever reason the friends are hurting, which I know is silly, but it just automatically happens until I keep reminding myself of one of the four agreements I'm trying to live by which basically states that other people's actions are in no way related to you or yours.  That is freeing and comforting when one can remember it, and it might actually work if one believed it.  Sigh.

The really good news is that I probably have a job lined up!  I have a friend from middle school who through the wonders of the Internet I can keep in touch with almost every day.  He owns a computer parts store in Alabama.  They also sell ham radio parts.  And he needs someone to be the person who is there when people write e-mail queries or click the click here for live help button.  So I am studying for my basic ham operator license so that I will be qualified.  I'm very excited.  I've never had a paying job before.  I will take the test next Sunday, if all goes according to plan.

Right now, I have to go down and wait for my ride to church.  I get to go back to "my" church now.  It says Lutheran on the door, but they are more modern in their music and their approach.  I'm sure they would balk about a lot of things in my life, but right now I need the familiar, so off I go.

Be well everyone.  And keep sending prayers and/or positive energy.  They are really appreciated.  I love you all.

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