Amber's Abode

Treading water, or...?

I'm feeling kind of tired today.  Hung out with a friend, but my battery died while walking around.  I find myself getting angry more often now at the unfairness of situation like that.  Why can't anything be easier for me?  But I know that shows a skewed and whiny perspective and I'm supposed to be stronger than that.  But I don't feel like it today.  More skewed?  I feel like I give a lot for very little in return, but that's probably my own fault as well.  I just feel it very strongly today.  It's probably just the stress of losing a home and a sick friend of the same time.  I want a home so badly.  A heart home, mostly.  I feel like that, and a lot of other things, are really close but just out of reach.

The good news is that I might have found a place to go.  It's an assisted-living place across the river, closer to more of my friends and family.  It's called Chestnut Lane.  It used to be just for people in the deaf community, but they recently opened it up to everybody, and I know the head of the nurses.  She used to work at the nursing home where I lived.  So this is a good sign because I have an in.  It's right next to the train line, and I would have my own apartment.  But it's not a done deal yet.  I go for a tour on Wednesday.  I will report on how it goes.

I know someone is waiting for me to blog about their visit, and how fun it was.  It was kind of fun, and getting to see Melissa Etheridge was awesome, but just like hanging out with my friend today, I feel like my emotional energy batteries are dead when they should've been recharged by the visits.  In both instances, and in most of my friendships, the people proclaim their form of love and then leave, completely disappearing from my life for days, weeks or even years at a time, not being there when I need them the most, and mostly only coming around when they themselves need something.  This is not everybody, and it's not the people I'm thinking about all the time even, as in it doesn't happen all the time or even I would be out of there.  But hope springs eternal in me, apparently, and also apparently, there is something to the fact that Taurus people are stubborn.  Does that make me stupid?  If I really told everyone how much this hurts me all the time when it happens because I always think that it's not going to happen because I have to believe that or I would never get out of bed; if I told everybody how I really felt all the time I would have nobody around me.

So I try to be understanding of individual situations.  This person has extreme ADHD and therefore has trouble keeping schedules and appointments, let alone being present in a conversation for more than five minutes at a time.  Other person works out of town so I never see them, but we never seem to connect when they are in town about whether they're actually going to be at a place I can get to, and the place I am thinking of is currently an hour commute for me, so I would really like to know that my friend is going to be there before I go.  Third person I'm thinking of lives across the country and I don't really know how to explain the dynamics except to say then there is an extreme difference in monetary lifestyle so we do not understand each other.  Tends to just give me money or things, wonderful things like Melissa Etheridge in concert to lift me above my life for a while, which is nice, but I'd rather have them in my life consistently.  All of these people love me by their words and some of their actions, but it's hard to feel that love sometimes.  I don't think that is their faults, again it's my skewed perspective, but when can I stop being understanding of all the situations for one minute and say

I am.  I exist, and because I exist, I deserve to ask, and I have needs, and here is what I need from you.  When can I say that without being perceived as a non-understanding bitch?  Usually when I try something like it, the other person closes up and/or gets angry and walks away.  Maybe I am selfish, although I never thought of myself that way before, but my needs don't seem to me like that much to ask.  Like right now?  Just to have a hug would be awesome.  From anyone.  A non-obligatory feeling, you are safe and can breathe here and I have no where else more important to be at the moment type of hug.  Actually in all honesty, that's what most of my needs boil down to lately.  And then I get frustrated that God or the universe that I can't have just that simple thing.

But then just when it gets too bad, I'm reminded that I am.  That I am my universe and therefore can somehow create what I need.  I opened my e-mail and found a link to download an MP3 that was a mix by a good mixer, from one of my friends I was pouting about not seeing enough.  A mix of a large handful of my favorite connected to that person/positive reminder songs.  Sledgehammer on the head reminding me that I don't always need physical connection to be connected.  And reminding me through my favorite medium, music, that I can't hide from my own power, whatever that means or brings, easy or hard.  Thank you very much.  I love you.  More.  :-).

"Baby, you can walk on water..."

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