Amber's Abode

Amber, interrupted.

Well, I know it's been forever since I wrote in here last.  There are multiple reasons for that.  One being that I caught a cold and last my voice for a while.  This makes typing with Dragon NaturallySpeaking nearly impossible, as you can imagine.  The other is a mental health thing that I don't think I will write about in great detail here, but I will mention some nebulous concepts.

The good news on the physical health front is that I finally got a home health organization to come out and do their job and change the catheter.  So I think that problem will likely be solved soon, at least the infection part.  I also now have regular communication with my primary doctor and urologist, both of which are good things.  Also they discovered that I might be nauseated all the time due to acid reflux disease, common in people with cerebral palsy, so they started me on Prilosec today.  This is not such a good thing, but at least this might help to alleviate a really annoying symptom.  We shall see.

More good news.  I discovered that I am physically able to DJ!  Using software, of course, but still.  I'm so happy about this, it's insane.  I've always wanted to be able to share my music with other people.  Most likely in the beginning I will just have to stream in a virtual setting like second life, but at least I will be able to communicate musically with people.

Now, on to the mental health nebulous concept.  It's really weird when you think you are growing up or at least changing, only to find out in a few years later that in some ways, you have stood perfectly still for the entire time.  Just one second or one connection happens, and the rest of everything just falls away.  That's happened to me in different ways a few times before, but not in this particular way, with someone I loved, and then abruptly found out that I still do, at least care.  People always miss connection from the past, especially if they didn't get to say a proper goodbye, proper as in satisfactory to their own soul.  And no one forgets their first.  Those are the main voices in my head lately, and I acknowledge them, but I'm respectfully learning that this is different.  I don't really know to explain how that is, so I'm not going to try here right now.  But the tricky thing is that the other person still feels connected to me as well.

Why is this such a cause for confusion and not joy?  Well, because now the other person has a spouse, whom I know and have no wish to hurt.  Most people I know would tell me that there is the end of it right there.  That I know what's right and should just walk away, because God says that's the right thing to do.  Well, if those same people say that it's easy to do that, they are lying through their teeth. 

I know I will do what's right in that regard.  It's the mental connection in my own hurting over it that makes life a little difficult for me right now.  I keep wishing that I could go back and change our whole journey so that nobody would get hurt.  I keep wanting to apologize to the other person for the hurt I caused, even though I know that it wasn't one-sided.  I got hurt too.  But I'm discovering about myself that I never really give up on any of my connections.  I just have to figure out how to change it so that it works within what the reality is now.  But again, that's not easy.

It feels like no one can help me with any of this, except for the other person, who can no longer give me the one thing I really need right now, a physical connection to fold into and just hide for a minute, a return to my first emotional home, the first I was ever given..  There are other people who try, but right now and for now, it's not the same.  Not that I will ever give up those connections completely either, but they don't fill a need for me at this moment, in this particular headspace. 

I'm pretty sure I will come out on the other side of this somehow and laugh about how I thought it was so hard, but for right now it feels like most of the struggles of puberty have hit me all at once.  I've always known I'm a little behind the times because of how completely I was sheltered when younger, but this one completely takes the cake...

I guess that wasn't so nebulous after all, but there you go.  Anyone can comment to say hello or offer advice, but I wouldn't put too much emotional energy into the advice part, because I doubt I will be able to follow it, at least not right away.  Whatever it is, this is something I have to go through on my own.  And I'm proud of myself because this is the first time I've ever been able to honestly say or notice that fact.  Always before someone or something has been rescuing me or helping me to get through the hard spots. 

Still, there are always the nagging questions like what if there is only truly one soulmate or someone for everyone in the world, and I/we went and screwed it up?  Am I going to have to spend the rest of my life caring for someone who is unable to care back completely, or will I finally be able to let go and move on because I choose to, not because of other people's fear?  Am I ever going to be able to open myself up to someone else enough that they will be able to give me the home I long for?  Do I even want to?  And on and on go the tortuous circles in my head.

Yay for growing up.  And

I hate growing up.  Sigh.

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