Wednesday, October 24, 2007 12:34 p.m.
Well, my world has turned upside down once again. I know this is a good thing, but it still feels really weird. At the beginning of this blog, I was in my own apartment, complete with kitchen and bedroom. Then, for the bulk of the blog so far, I was in a nursing home.
Four days ago, I moved from that nursing home to a house on the other side of town, where I wasn't sure I wanted to go. But I knew I would get treated better physically and I think I was pretty close to dying in the other place. So I took the plunge, and am mostly satisfied that I did the right thing. The people in the house treat me really well, and the ones that are in charge of the care are really knowledgeable. The food is awesome, and there are always kids and pets around to keep things lively. There is free cable, and once I get hooked up to it, free cable Internet. I'm not hooked up yet, so I'm typing this off-line to post later. So you may have several entries to read at once. Sorry about that. So anyway, these are all positives that made the move worthwhile.
But I'm scared, because my world just got a lot smaller. It's true that I have my own room, which is a really nice change, but the room size is 12 x 10. Everything fits because the TV is up in the air and they built a perfect little computer desk for the foot of my bed, but it's smaller than I've ever had. I have been trying to learn my neighborhood but have been "warned" not to go out after dark. Since the slightly aging house parents have 12 kids still living, and two of the youngest adopted ones still in elementary school, they start and end the day early. I have usually been getting up at nine and going to bed at 10.
I know this is better for my body, because I'm getting better sleep, but I'm not used to it. Like last night, I went to sleep sad, wondering what people were singing in karaoke, where I really wanted to be. Where I was just seven days ago. And tonight would've been poker. I'm wondering who won on Monday and who will win tonight. I'm just a few miles away really, but I might as well be on the moon. It makes me dizzy thinking about how quickly change happens. And I'm sad and homesick. Not for the nursing home, of course, but for all my friends over there, and the freedom to truly come and go as I please. I almost want to go back. Really. But it's only been four days, and I know that for my own health, I have to give this a fair shot.
I guess the good thing is that I'm getting to know myself a little better because I'm kind of forced to keep my own quiet company. And before, I would just run out somewhere when I got uncomfortable being alone. I don't really know how to put into words what I'm learning and I'm not even sure I like myself at all. Someone wrote in the little remembrance book I passed around for people to sign "remain, little unicorn, remain...," and I'm still trying to figure out what that means. Maybe right now it means to sit still and not run away from my own power, or something that may end up being really powerful here. I don't know.
My best friend is moving too, on Saturday, to a similar house as this, but on the "better" side of town. He is sad, because he's moving from his own apartment, so it's a step down for him, whereas mostly it was a step up for me. But we're in similar boats as far as needing the care goes, so it just seems like another leg along our eerily parallel paths.
That's all I feel like writing for now.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Well, as of yesterday, I've been here for a week. I love the house and I like the people, and I'm still weirded out by how far away I am from everything that once shaped my life. And I've had some more really sad moments, wondering if I did write to come here. Last Wednesday one of my very good friends who is in the military and therefore gone a lot called me and said, "I'm at poker. I came to see you. Where are you?" So I told her all about my move, and how I'm pretty much in bed by 10 these days. People don't understand that, and they start to get angry about me not being allowed to keep my own hours. So I have to clarify. It's not that I'm not allowed to. They could not legally say that. But I now live in someone else's house. They have kids in school. So I will try to be as respectful as I can while standing up for my own rights. I just have to take the new hours as part of the trade off for the better care I receive. It's nearly impossible to get both top-notch care and freedom to come and go completely at my own will at all hours of the night. And for right now, my health has to be the most important thing.
Today especially has been interesting and frustrating. This morning I went to the church of my sister and brother-in-law who are now the nearest geographically to me for the first time. When I arrived, there were lots of emergency service vehicles. When I went inside, and people were surrounding this old gentleman administering CPR to no avail. Apparently, he was a member of the Gideons, and was doing a little after service speech for the early service crowd. He finished the whole speech, and had just finished pointing out that in the back of the church was a donation box, when he collapsed. It appeared he was the oldest member of the church. His name was Andy. That's all I know. They shocked him with internal paddles and told the surrounding crowd they had a rhythm just to keep mass hysteria from happening. But I knew he was already gone by the time they took him out of the building. Everyone was really shaken, even me. I felt that was cheating because I never got to meet the man, but by all accounts he was really special. Well, I guess if you have a strong Christian faith there is no better way to die than while you are doing God's work, in the church that you love.
The frustrating part was that my sister decided to get angry with me for introducing myself to people. Very angry. Apparently, that was what the mentally challenged, some of which go to that church, do. And I need a doctor and a dentist, and nothing about me is right. They come over here without asking and start "organizing" my things. I'm very frustrated, and this was part of the reason I did not want to go over here to the side of town I'm on. I don't even think they see that they are being mean. I'm not sure of anything these days.
The good news is that I will get hooked up to the Internet tomorrow evening. Hopefully. We shall see.
And we're back live on the Internet! Yay!