At this moment, I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I don't even know what I'm allowed to feel.
I think some people are frustrated with me at the moment because they feel that I don't always follow through. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone. That is never ever my intention. But I feel like I'm pulled in several different directions, at least, at once. And it's hard using my limited energy resources to give everybody an equal turn in the priority spot. I feel like I'm constantly juggling, and no matter how well I do, someone is always going to be hurt a little. It's always going to be wrong for someone.
Recently, my priority has been my best local friend, because he just underwent some surgery, and is in a lot of pain. I went with him to the appointment, waited, and was there after the procedure with another one of his friends. That was really difficult for me, to see him in such pain and not be able to do a single thing about it. But of course I did it. There was no question of priority that time. He's my best friend here. He does the same for me. At "crisis" times like that, it's an automatic type of thing. And I've spent lots of time with him since, because he lives so nearby. So I'm able to help in little ways, and this is good for both of us. It gets me out of here and gives an opportunity to share space with a like-minded person. I'm very grateful.
But I think I may have missed a phone call I was supposed to make him yesterday evening before I went to a retro dance. What people who are my friends need to understand is that a lot of the circumstances in my current living situation are way beyond my control. Someone died, and it took the helpers forever to be able to get me ready to leave the building. By that time, another friend who is going to be at the dance called, wanting me to get there early because he really wanted to talk to me. So I just jumped, having not seen the second friend at all for a couple of weeks. Also, I discovered I needed to get there early to avoid a cover charge that I couldn't afford. I was at the dance on a crowded floor before I remembered that I was supposed to call the first friend before I left. That juggling thing again. The urgency of the second friend made me drop the ball. I did call my best friend when I got home to explain the situation and apologize, but he was already asleep. And today when I saw him to celebrate a mutual friend's birthday, he seemed very much more distant toward me than usual.
Now, I may be overreading the situation. I tend to do that. He could have been just really tired.
But it felt like he was angry, and if he was, all I can do is apologize. I understand what it feels like to know you are someone's priority for a length of time and then suddenly the circumstances show, however accidentally or temporarily, that you have been juggled out of that priority spot. Trust me, I really do understand. It feels awkward and stings a little. I don't know what to can do to fix it except pick up and keep juggling and moving through my life the best way I can right now. It's really not easy.
On the other end of the same scale are me and other deeply connected friends. I'm really happy for them that they got reconnected with other friends that they were missing so much again. Second chances are wonderful things.
But am I ever going to be allowed to say be careful and remember where you recently were? And remember who was there when you were in that place? It's not that I minded being there for them. I would, and will, do it again in a heartbeat, whenever and wherever it is needed. But could I just scream I love you and I don't want to see you get hurt? I love you so strongly it feels like bleeding sometimes. No qualifiers or cautionary parenthetical additives. just I love you. Naked truth.
But I'm finding that that level of purity is rarely heard. And if it is, it's misunderstood.
That's where the I don't even know what I'm allowed to feel part comes in. I'm angry that I'm not the one who is there with the arms and the eyes for resting in. And I'm frustrated that there are no arms and eyes here for me. But then I feel guilty for feeling that because it's nobody's fault. And it takes away from the joy and happiness of those I love, and I hate myself for doing that.
So for the first time in forever, I felt awkward about a phone conversation earlier today. I was having a meltdown moment because things around here are deteriorating rapidly and so is my ability to deal with any of it. And I felt peace, but not the usual complete peace, because I was aware of consciously holding myself back so as to try and not dampen their happiness. All I could do was give gratitude and apologies and cut the conversation short.
We haven't talked very much in a couple days because they don't need me as much anymore and I don't want to bring them down or seem too needy. It's the first real "brick wall" of our newly rekindled friendship, and it's driving me nuts.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with any of what is happening to me right now. I know in my head that I have to be my own first priority to survive, but I have no clue how to start this. I'm used to being useful to other people, so I feel useless to myself. I know what I want to do, like moving into Sun to start, but those steps seem huge and overwhelming.
I'm so exhausted. I need water and a place to rest. Or at least a hug. And if someone could tell me that I'm going to make it through this particular desert, I'd be really grateful.