Amber's Abode

Acknowledging anger versus letting go and a public service announcement

Okay, people.  FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT LAZY! 

Just because I choose to get out of bed at 11 a.m.  doesn't mean a thing other than I was enjoying my dream and enjoying the fact that I am free of pain for the first time in months. 

The lady that got me out of bed today called me lazy in Spanish, probably thinking that I wouldn't understand her.  Sigh.  But I have to let it go because if I take it into me, I will start being in pain again, because I hide my hurts in my body.  So I have to keep telling myself that it's not mine to keep. 

On the other hand, I should be free to express hurt.  Different people kept telling me all day that I should just let things go yesterday.  I know what they mean by that, but why aren't I allowed to acknowledge anger and emotional pain when they happen?

My dad called yesterday morning.  It seems that he and the girlfriend are feeling really guilty because they are living together without being married.  So they decided they want to get married really soon before God and a small group consisting of only my grandpa, who is a pastor, and the kids.  But he wanted me to understand that they may not be able to find a wheelchair accessible location near here to have the ceremony.  And they don't want me to come down there, because they don't want to have to take care of me overnight.

WTF?  It's a really simple equation.  Daughter in wheelchair = wheelchair accessible location a necessity.  We can't find an accessible location = we really don't want you to be there.  I mean, I don't think I'm wrong in solving that equation that way.  But again, I shouldn't keep it inside me a long time.  I did tell him that if I was not there I would not be heartbroken.  Then he acted all hurt.  Oh well.

The massage went really well.  We worked a combination of stretching and relaxing.  I usually get taken on a mind journey to help me work around any discomfort and/or feelings of inability.  My friend is really good at painting pictures with words.  Usually we go to the beach, but yesterday it was Brazil, through a rain forest and up some mountains.  But this leads to some confusion later, because I trust my friend so much that I can really see where she takes me, and so I'm a little disoriented when she has to pull me back.  And angry that I have to go back into a wheelchair when I was just holding onto a vine to climb a rock.

But I lost all spasticity for a while, and I'm still mostly pain-free.  And the staff got together and presented me with a VIP card, good for 10% off all future services.  Thank you to all of the people that made this possible for me.

Although, I wish people would stop telling me how they wish they could get a luxurious massage whenever they wanted.  That's along the same vein as telling me I'm lazy.  First of all, I can't get one whenever I want, or I would be in there every couple weeks.  Secondly, I don't really consider them a luxury.  They are nice, that's true, but they are also a necessity for my body.  If you could see me yesterday and today, you would know the difference.

I got my glasses while I was eating lunch.  I didn't realize how blurry things had gotten before.  Everyone says they look good on me.

That's all I feel like writing right now.

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