You know that feeling where you want to blog but there is so much to process in blogging that you can't blog worth crap? That's kind of where I am right now. I'm so happy and sad and everything that is opposite each other all at once.
Started with an actual mental health therapist on Wednesday, and am now slated to go back every other Monday. But I'm not sure this will really help much. I've been my own counselor in my brain for my entire life.
I feel like writing about the fact that I have lost a friend of nine years this year. Joe, who used to start the gift sending on November 1 for Christmas, has yet to send me a single card or line. It's not about the gifts at all, it's just that this silence is so complete and creepy. And I don't know if it's okay for me to send greetings. I'm not even sure he still reads this. I'm still not completely over the hurt this has all caused me. It's reminiscent of the last time a deep friendship was stolen from me. Both of my parents tried to take my friend Daniel from me.
But that's where the happiness comes in. We found each other again, and the friendship is completely controlled by us, and is deepening at a pace we choose for ourselves. It's so nice. Since he mentioned it elsewhere, I am probably okay to acknowledge here that he is coming to see me in February. I'm excited and a little nervous at the same time, but I'm sure it will be a wonderful experience for both of us.
Which is kind of a small segue into another thought. Why haven't I been in the usual chat room lately? There are different reasons. One is that I told one friend in there that we needed to start being honest with ourselves and each other, and now I'm giving that person a little bit of space to figure out what that means for them. Although I sincerely love that person and wish the best for them and do not mean to close down communications completely, just so they know when they read this.
Another reason could be the subject of a whole blog in itself, but I will limit myself to a space saver size soap box. The last time I was in the room, I made mention of how it was hard at that moment because I was climbing the walls, my favorite euphemism for horny. My disability severely limits my ability to do anything about this by myself, or to strip away the euphemism, my ability to masturbate independently to a fulfilling conclusion, which is most commonly known as an orgasm. I'm an adult with a normal libido, so the lack of this ability and/or a partner as a helpful outlet is really really really really really really really really really really really really really really frustrating. To get an idea, multiply the annoyance your brain had at reading the repeated word really above by 100, 000, at least. Then you have the tiniest of ideas of what it feels like.
Anyway, one person especially was hurtful in their responses, though they probably were just trying to help. Everything they said just further dug them into their hole and grated on my usually patient spirit. It started at "I know plenty of people with cerebral palsy that can do that just fine", wandered past the usual "it's really a sin to do anyway", and by the time it got to "well, you know that the brain is really the primary sex organ , so if you just think about it hard enough you will achieve your goal" I was done.
I was out of there without a farewell, and have not been back for any length of time since. I don't know when I will be. Sadly and strangely enough, I don't really miss it, being content to focus on my health and the real-life friends I have around me.
That person should read this blog entry that Daniel wrote shortly after I came in contact with him again at the beginning of the year. And yes, I am the friend he mentions. Anybody with a disability and/or an understanding heart will agree with his words.
The rest of you can go fuck yourselves. And don't forget to be grateful you have the ability.
Here's to climbing Mount Everest.
/exit soapbox subroutine
It is now technically Christmas eve for me, and it promises to be an okay one after all. Even though my "family" is not taking me "home" because my dad "can't get enough time off of work to help take care of me," I get to be with Max at his celebration, and my friend Joanne's family Christmas dinner. I'm grateful for these and all of my few real friends.
There is even poker later that night. In poker news, I made second place out of 25 in my last tournament! This is awesome, and secures my place in the final for December, achieving my goal.
Now I must try to sleep for a little while.
Merry Christmas and/or happy whatever holiday you celebrate!
Love light and peace to you all.