Amber's Abode

From the bottom of Mount Everest

I posted the first part of this on several message boards. 

I am really feeling frustrated and scared at the moment.  My savings is dwindling, and when it disappears, I'll only have $30 a month right now, and $130 a month if I get to move somewhere else.  Neither amount is very acceptable, or feasible, to me.

Last night I made the mistake of buying into something called, but all they tell you after you shell out the money is how to use Google adwords, which also require money to post.

I found a freelance work exchange site, but all job listings require a résumé and/or experience, neither of which I have.  Unless you want to see a really old one with volunteer and Sunday school teaching work on it.  Sigh.

Does anyone have an idea where to find a real job with little or preferably no start up costs?

I have really good writing, people, and computer skills, and time to devote to whatever I do.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Here is the part that's not on the message boards:

Those of you who know me most likely know that I lived pretty simply even when I had my full $600 a month.  The ex was draining a lot of that, but for exactly a year now, that has not been a problem. 

(For the curious, I decided not to refile the restraining order unless he makes some kind of move, because I was told that the entire process would have to occur again, i.e.  serving him, him being able to contest it, etc..  So stirring it up would likely be worse.  Rumor has it that he is married now anyway.  So everyone around me seems to think and say that I'm safe.)

It's not like I'm some kind of party animal that wants to go out every night.  But I'm 29 years old, and I do not sit around for hours on end watching TV.  I love karaoke and dancing.  Most people don't understand, but music is therapy for me.  It's how I keep above the water in many ways.  Maybe someday I will explain that further, but for now just know that it is true for me.

Well, where I go do karaoke, which has been like an emotional home for going on three years, is far enough away that the cab fare home is $20.  They do have a bus that goes by there, it's how I get there, but those buses stop running really early, to where I only would have an hour and a half there before having to catch the bus back again.  This is possible, but barely worth the hour commute.  And I have tried other places, but don't feel nearly as comfortable or safe to me. 

They also have a program that can pay for your rides on cabs late at night, but you never know which company or driver you're going to get, and I've had really really bad experiences with most cabdrivers.  I only want to get in the van with the one whose cell phone number I have in my wallet.  But the lift program has to go through dispatch legally.  They can't pay for what are called personal rides.  I may have to suck this up and deal, but it's really scary.  And anyway, the lift pass costs about $35, five more than my income.

Some good news is that I got to have another massage recently, probably my last for a while, but it was so awesome.  Even four days later, I still have greatly reduced spasticity and pain, and increased range of motion, especially in my arms, which are now able to straighten out all the way. 

That would be very beneficial for me to keep repeating every three or four weeks.  And my friend who administered them for me is willing to meet me anywhere.  That way, she can charge less.  But for now, I have to go in to where she works, so she legally has to charge their price for an hour, which is $70.  People say that is a pretty good price.  And so so so worth it.

Sigh.  Karaoke once or twice a week, especially to get away from this place, and a periodic massage doesn't seem like much to ask.  But right now, I feel like I'm standing on the bottom of Mount Everest looking up. 

And then there are the Internet and phone bills.  My sister and brother-in-law have seemingly generously offered to help me with this, but my inner core is against it because of past experiences.  They would have the ability to see who I was calling and for how long and where, and because of said experience, I know they would use that ability.

That is why I'm trying to become gainfully employed in some way.  To handle this as best I can like an adult, on my own.

While I'm grateful to my now distant friend Joe for all his previous support, I'm realizing now he didn't do me very many favors by providing that big of a "safety net," especially back when I didn't desperately need it, always.  (Although he did feed me for two or three months when I had no groceries.) But now that I could genuinely use it, it's completely gone.  And yes, I understand why.  And I'm not asking for it back.  I'm just blogging about the irony.  It's a little too ironic, and yeah, I really do think.  Giggle.  Oh my word, now I'm channeling Alanis Morrisette.  Sigh.  Oh well.  At least I can still laugh at it.

And yes, you, for I know you'll read this, I did tell them the truth about why I never needed family help before, and where it all went.  Or I should say why it went away.  And they will help me with whatever they deem necessary.

But something tells me that they will not deem trips to a karaoke bar, especially not a Dyke karaoke bar, and/or semi regular massages necessary.  Not to mention the occasional soda pop, or an occasional meal somewhere other than the Sunny Pastures Dining Room.  Or a movie or a concert.  You know, life things.

I know, however, that they are very necessary to me.  And so I am brought back to the bottom of Mount Everest.

Any climbing help out there?

(Insert Paypal donation button here.)

Laughing.  It's not really very funny, but thanks to work with my massage providing friend who also knows about the energy, I seem to be able to better deal with things lately emotionally, which is a very big plus.

As in, whatever happens, I know I will not die of starvation.  My body will be taken care of here, even if communications and other connection opportunities grow dark.  And it is up to me to care for my spirit and what I take into it from this.  Maybe the self-reliance is what the universe is trying to teach me.  My arms are still open to learning.

Still, it's pretty scary, and any suggestions would be very welcome.

OK, I'll stop rambling now.

More Posts by Amber