Supposedly there's one somehow I have to find.
I'm just in the middle of my big fog again. Everything feels sad and heavy, despite the sun and the heat. There are a lot of reasons why.
I don't I feel like anything I do matters. I don't do anything useful, my greatest accomplishment so far today has been catching up on my current anime series. It's still a little too hot to do much outside.
I got drafted today to do some standup comedy for the residents here next month. I was kidding around about a you know you live in a nursing home when ... type list one day, and they decided I should perform it.
Tuesday night, I sang open arms by journey for the first time karaoke, and I had to do it without the words because the TV kept going out. I did pretty good with it, though.
Yesterday afternoon, they tried having karaoke here, but myself and Denise, the nurse who set it up where the only ones who wanted to sing. But some had fun just watching us. So it was okay.
Sunday afternoon, one of my aunts called and chose to vent about how she'd just found out that my sister and her fiancé are living together before they get married on July 29, and how my dad really doesn't have room to talk about it since he is doing the same thing and how she is so disappointed that none of us want to follow God's way anymore. Sigh. They really should pay me for these stupid sessions. Then at least one of us would be getting something out of them.
And Tuesday afternoon, I had to go with my already married sister to pick out a dress for me to wear to the other sister's wedding. You know the one where I'm not invited to be in the wedding party? Anyway, we didn't find any. So now she's looking online. That's kind of scary.
I had a care planning meeting today with some people here, they do it every couple of months, but there was really nothing that they could do for me or to change on the plan.
That's about all of my experiences so far this week.. Riveting, no?
I miss Roland a lot. Still not used to having him around only online again, even though he was only here for a few days. And I don't really even see him that much online, because of time differences. And he's not a big e-mail responder these days.*poke*. Not that I blame him. He is going through a lot right now. But it adds to the loneliness ache.
And I have no clue where Daniel is. I hope you've gone on vacation and are okay. Does anybody know anything about his location?
This has been one hell of a year for me. Last August 12, I filed my first restraining order.
Other highlights include losing my health and apartment, family drama, one friend completely disappearing after saying he loves me and showing me that my life sucks and that I would be perfect for him if it weren't for the disability, another friend back away across the ocean, and still another local friend with benefits requesting that the benefits be taken away so as to remove the drama, but he is also completely gone. And I'm able to give myself no "benefits" independently, so I don't know what I'm going to do.
And I wonder how many more times this year I'm going to be allowed to barely touch one of my dreams only to be told that it is not mine to take, even though people assure me that I do deserve what I wish for?
And finding any sense of community to belong in is nearly impossible. I'm too straight for the queer people, and too queer for the straight people. My former dance community is becoming really an exclusive group which doesn't really feel the need to include me. There are no people of my demographic, 20 something but not married or young parents, in any of the church places I have tried.
Anyway, now you're caught up, so I will end this pity party for now.