I haven't written a while because I feel like I am lost in a fog somewhere. I have lost my shininess or soul vision, whatever you want to call it. And that terrifies me, because it was the only thing that made me different from everyone else. Now I'm just your typical cynical bitch, apparently. I wonder if I will ever get it back.
And just when I think I'm working my way through, someone or something strikes again to knock me back. Usually lately it is our good friend Joe, still sending me song lyrics, still trying to reach out for my energy. Still claiming he loves me. Sigh.
Yesterday, I made the mistake of asking him how his weekend went. He was trying to rekindle things with the woman he chose over me. And for those reading along, I'm not bitter that he made his choice. I'm better off without him. I knew that almost from the beginning. What I'm bitter about is that he won't let me go. It's like he needs me for some sort of affirmation or a blessing or something. Anyway, so I asked him, hopeful that he would say that it went great, so that he could stop pulling so much energy from me. This is what I get for hoping.
Apparently, it went horribly. The hot tub was a bad idea, because she (whom he wants to make sure I know loves him and is not abusive at all) broke into his computer while he was here and read things involving a hot tub, probably chats if there were any in that category, and definitely a story of the adult fantasy type involving a hot tub which wasn't even written for him or directed at him in the first place. But she read it and assumed it was about him and me, and so went kind of nuts when he booked a hotel room with a hot tub for them, destroying his albeit too little too late attempts at romance. Then he booked tickets to see a band with a numerical name which corresponded exactly to the date of their postponed/canceled wedding. Not the smartest move, but whatever.
So she apparently spent the whole journey back cursing my name, while he, avoiding confrontation, said little or nothing to defend me. So much for being my best friend. I mean I even defend him here still often, even though I don't think that much of him as a person anymore. It just is something you do when someone is attacking someone who is or was important in your life. At least to me. Sigh. And so much for my hopes that this weekend would help heal things with them and get him the hell off my back.
At the end of that chat, he told me that he was going to finally discuss a drafted prenuptial agreement with her, and if she refused to sign it, he was going to leave. I don't know if he expected me to let him come back if he left there. I had been telling him to get out for years, mostly for his sake only. He is being abused, but he won't see it, so he goes around the cycle. So I told him not to tell me the outcome of this discussion, because I knew what it would be. Simple pattern recognition. Any time he brought up a prenuptial in the past, even in discussion, she told him she would not sign it. So I'm not sure what made him think she would when she actually saw it. But whatever. The point is that I asked him not to bring me into any of this anymore.
Now you may be wondering why I am blogging a story which on the surface is none of my business, and certainly really none of that of any of my readers. I'm sure Joe reading this at whatever point he does is wondering the same thing. And probably angry. Good. Feel what I feel for a change. And I'm not revising history for you again. I did that once before, because you reminded me to honor a promise. But there are no more promises to you and this is my blog. If you don't like it, delete the bookmark.
Anyway, this background information is leading up to the fact that I woke up this morning to five, count them, e-mails to me. This is not unusual behavior for him unfortunately, and they have innocuous subject lines, so I open them.
Inside each and every one of them are the most vile, hurtful, and untrue things about me I have ever seen or heard in my life. In his infinite lack of wisdom, or desire to hurt me, he sent me an e-mail discussion between them of the prenuptial agreement, which of course she was angry about, and took her anger out on me. I saw every name in the book aimed at me. I saw that I had brainwashed him, mind screwed (slight edit because Dragon NaturallySpeaking does not like to type the dreaded f word) him, seduced him, you name it, I did it, according to e-mails. And I am a bitch, and every worse synonym you can think of, as a result.
And still, very little attempt to defend me on his part, except for what amounted to "please, honey, stop saying bad things about my friend." Such a pansy.
All I know is that if someone had said even one of those things to me about someone I claimed as my best friend, I would be saying something like "screw you. I'm out of here." And that's not just an empty statement. I've done it. I did it when my ex-boyfriend slandered and threatened my best friend locally. True, it is sad that I couldn't get out of the abusive relationship for myself in the beginning, but when he threatened my friend, I instantly had all the strength I needed to file a restraining order, and I did. Proudly. And I would and will do it again in a heartbeat. Watch me. He who doesn't think I'm strong enough to do the same for him or completely disappear. Keep on your current path and watch me.
Emotionally mortally bleeding, I shot him an instant message. How dare you? Why did you send those to me?
His reply was well, I wanted you to see the outcome of the prenuptial agreement discussion I told you I would have with her.
But I told you not to. I told you not show me because I already knew what the outcome would be! You just wanted to hurt me. There was no other point.
(A composite of our usual long meandering pointless discussions, this one being version 1001 .9)
That's not true. I love you. So much. (After me telling him that I had loved him at one point and would've done anything for him)
Stop telling me that. Stop making a mockery of those words, of my energy, of the music. You're killing me, and you appear to be enjoying it. Nothing you have done in or after your leaving has shown me any kind of love whatsoever.
But I'm still helping you out financially.
You know that's not what I mean, that love doesn't just mean throwing money at somebody. And you can stop those "services" any time you wish. I don't care, I will live without Internet or phone for a while if it means you leaving me alone.
OK, I will leave you alone, but I'm not going to just drop you like that.
Look, I'm sorry to sound so hurtful, but this is about survival, so if you keep contacting me in this way, I will block you from e-mail and messengers. I will change my phone number and e-mail, and not inform you of my new street address.
I understand. I will leave you alone. Take care.
So that's where it is. We will see if he actually does let me be. Anyone want to take any bets? I'm not even playing against those odds. I told you, all of this has turned me very cynical.
Meanwhile, I'm having to struggle, feeling very lost in the fog, and extremely bruised and battered. Barely have enough energy to fight for my basic rights here, like my twice-weekly shower no one wanted to give me yesterday because they claimed they were shortstaffed. I fought and got it today, but in the process had to waste two days waiting for it instead of one.
Also, I appear to be the public Internet e-mail checking terminal for a few staff members who apparently can't wait until they get home. And the newbie computer user tech support system, as well as cool music supplier/CD burning factory. I showed my next-door neighbor some MP3s, and he literally showed up yesterday with a blank CD spindle of 100 and ordered, not asked, me to fill all of them with all of the music he would like that I have on my computer. He is recovering from knee surgery and thinks the world owes him everything. He literally told me I shouldn't have a problem doing this for him because I have nothing better to do. Well, I will burn some, because it is fun for me, but I'm going to stop when it ceases being fun, and with his attitude, I foresee that happening way before I reach CD 100.
Sob. I want to collapse into a quivering mass. I want to be held. I want to cry for days. I want to go to sleep and have this whole nightmarish fog be lifted when I wake up. Will I ever find my way out? Will I ever find my soul vision again? I think so, someone is keeping pieces of it for me, but I hope it's soon. I can't take much more of this.
I am hanging out with Max tomorrow, attempting to get back into dance classes, and maybe going out afterwards. Maybe this will help, as I treasure Max dearly, but I don't hold out much hope for myself right now. Don't take it personally if I'm not cheered up, dear one. I'm trying. But this is an awful lot to get around.
Apologies for the length of this. You'll be glad to know there is nothing more to write for now. I hope you are well, and I will update again soon.